Boss: You wrote one of your strengths is invisibility and that seems–what are you doing?!
Me (giving him the finger): Wait–you can see me?
You Might Also Like
GENIE: You can’t wish anybody would fall in love with you.
ME: What if everybody just disliked me less?
GENIE: Sure.
ME:
GENIE:
ME:
GENIE: Okay technically I should be able to do this but it’s not working.
Who called it a foot falling asleep and not coma toes?
Enough is enough. It is time for Sea World to step up and finally do something about the horrible whale who splashes everyone
15 got his first job at Buffalo Wild Wings and today I went to pick him up, my car now smells like deep fried onions and axe body spray.
Two mushrooms in a forest.
One says: “Hi, how are you?”
The other replies: “Shut up, mushrooms can’t talk!”
#RubbishJokes #WednesdayVibe
*sees people doing the mannequin challenge, brings back ice bucket challenge and dumps it on mannequin people*
My sister on holiday with the kids, they had a few cute ‘towel animals’ left on the bed during the week but just came back to this
I have a date with a sexy, young doctor. Technically, it’s called an appointment. But whatever.
Probably good whoever named this one didn’t get to name any other planets.
If you’re stupid and you know it close your mouth.
Me: Mark from Boston, you’re on the air.
Therapist: You pretend to be a radio host to avoid confrontation.
M: Let’s take another call.
Capitalism is making me sad so I’m going to buy myself a little something.
Friend, cradling a baby: I just love the smell of babies!
Me: Yes, delicious.*friend frowns; I discretely check my Conversational Human guide*
Me: Yes, “nice.”
agent: may i please have your account number
me: i’ve given it out three times and been transferred three times
agent: sorry about that
me: but shouldn’t it come through to you when you get a transfer
agent: ideally, yes
me:
agent: may i please have your account number
me, speaking to my daughter’s class on the importance of eating your vitamins: one time i got lost in the forest for so long i dropped dead & a sheepdog ate my carcass.
some smart aleck kid: if you died then how are you here right now?
me: {i look him square in the eyes} vitamins
Me: i knew you’d pull through
drug dealer: [passing vitamin gummies] just go to walgreens man
My uncle married a woman from Tokyo and they just had a daughter.
She’s my Japaniece..
My kids challenged me to a cartwheel contest.
Long story short, now my chiropractor has a new boat.
Let me get this straight: Rumpelstiltskin gives you a ton of gold, saves your life, AND takes your first born off your hands and he’s a bad guy?
Hide all your naughty entertainment on VHS. Even if your kids find it, they will not know what to do with it.
the holes in my logic are there so it can breathe
Pigeon open mic night.
Will I understand This Too Shall Pass if I haven’t seen This One Shall Pass?
A kid next to me at Starbucks says I smell like his dad. I’m like ‘Well, your Dad’s an alcoholic. Scram!’
If Twitter allowed us to attach a signature to each Tweet, mine would be : “He said, stupidly.”
Last night I was walking Bizzy, and a friendly stranger asked how old she was. When I told him, he said: “She don’t walk like she’s 15 though!!!” I…I think he catcalled my dog?
This weather better stop actin like my teenager’s mood
Start a slow-clap in a quiet, crowded room. The first person that joins you, marry them. They’re your soulmate.
whoa, you should really talk to someone about that!
— me, first day as a therapist
Toddler in our bed last night; it was like sleeping with an octopus on meth.