CAPTAIN: ABANDON SHIP!
ME: *trying to climb back on board* there’s a band on ship?!
Boss-You’re Always the first one here!
Me-Hey,*early bird gets the worm, right?
*gets to poop or drink coffee without 3yr old interrupting
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Lifehack: If whenever someone asks your opinion on something you say, “Now thats-a spicy meatball!” people will learn not to ask you things.
[Extremely heavy metal voice]
HELL YES I WOULD LOVE TO HOLD YOUR BABY
“Let me be clear” the sliding glass door said as I face planted it.
My dog barks for 2 reasons:
1. When somewhere in the world another dog is barking.
2. When somewhere in the world no other dog is barking.
Daughter: Daddy, why is the moon following us around?
Me: I probably owe it money like everyone else on the planet
Coworker: Guess what day it is?
CW: Guess what day it is?
CW: It’s hum..
[30 min later]
Cop: So you stapled his lips?
Every time I open my mouth, some idiot starts talking.
Only 1 in 6 Americans can find Ukraine on a map…
Putin is fixing the issue
by just calling it all “Russia”.
Narrator: The Blue Ringed Octopus while cute, is not recommended for the home aquarist. No larger than a golf ball, it contains enough venom to kill 26 humans. Handling one would result in certain death.
Me: I need one