Boss-You’re Always the first one here!
Me-Hey,*early bird gets the worm, right?
*gets to poop or drink coffee without 3yr old interrupting
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They say the customer is always right but the Chevy Dealer still won’t sell me a Transformer
The year is 2025. The few survivors of the great plague of 2020 roam the irradiated wastelands of the planet, singing Happy Birthday to themselves constantly. Nobody really remembers why.
*Hears something go bump in the night.
Me: *jumping out of bed. Who’s there?
Ghost: Oh shit, I woke the scary one.
“”What if – and this sounds crazy – what if we based the look on this drawing my 3 year old made?” – Design team for Kia Soul
Her: Your hair looks nice today
Me: Thanks. I slept differently.
Don’t you hate when you do something out of the kindness of your heart & someone gets upset because you shoved a pack of gum in their mouth?
ME: *does entire national anthem with armpit farts*
WIFE: see what I mean?
THERAPIST: Mmmhmm *writes in notes: “she’s nuts. This guy rules*
Fun thing to say to your neighbors on the first meeting: I love the way your hair smells when you’re sleeping.
Me: *singing* They say music is the food of love
Her: I’m not hungry
Me: Do not ‘K’ me again.
Daughter: Que
Me: In any language.
Her: SiThis is why I’m crazy.
My pre-nup will indicate that I’m allowed to unplug your life support system should my phone need charging.
Took a personality test and the results just said “uh-oh”
me: do you have coke
cat waiter: is pspspsps ok?
I’m really not sure how many times I’ll search for my phone with the flashlight on my phone before I realize I’m an idiot….
13yo Jesus: You’re not my real dad! I HATE YOU!
Joseph: One of these days boy, I’ll— [distant thunder] I’ll do nothing. Absolutely nothing.
sitcoms would be a lot more believable if they had 5 loads of laundry waiting to be folded on the sofa
If you can’t handle me at my fattest, then you sure as hell don’t deserve me if I ever lose weight. Which could happen, you don’t know.
*getting kicked out of bookclub*
me: please, all i need to know is how little the women are
[stranded on deserted island]
*spells out message in rocks*
WHAT’S
THE
WIFI
PASSWORD
My neighbor told me I should start living my dreams so I had sex with his wife
HR: “This is your revised salary. We recommend you keep it confidential.”
Employee: “Don’t worry, I’m equally ashamed of it.”
My parents waited way too long to tell me about Santa and the Easter Bunny. I was so mad I got in my car & drove away.
I love how I can spend all day unabashedly getting naked and intimate with strangers but then wait until it’s dark outside to put my garbage on the curb because I do not want to be observed by people
I got called “vein” and I’m just like, k not the most vital component of the circulatory system but still essential so thank you
My wife begged me to stop singing Outkast songs, so I was like, alright, alright, alright, alright, alright, alright, alright, alright, alri
The teenage boy cashier just told my wife that her tampon coupon is expired…and all of Target went silent.
[First date]
Her: Are you literally WEARING a red flag?
Me: Yes, do you like it? Hey! Come back!
I bought myself hot pink earbuds so my son would quit stealing them and now my wife stole my earbuds.
rumpelstiltskin: you must guess my name or surrender your first born
barista: *under breath* shit