[flying to Vegas]
TSA agent: The metal detector is going crazy. Do you have any metal on you?
Me: Just my lucky rabbit’s foot key chain, my lucky penny, my lucky bronzed four-leaf clover and my lucky horseshoe.
BOSS: you’re an hour late
GUY WHO’S ABOUT TO INVENT DAYLIGHT SAVINGS TIME: oh you haven’t heard?
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If a guy tells you he makes 6 figures a year it doesn’t necessarily mean he’s rich. He could be a really lazy guy working at a toy factory.
Mini-horses are like mini-donuts, you can’t just eat one
The wife and I decided we’re gonna try and have another baby so now she’s distracting the hospital security guy while I sneak in
Me having sex is like bungee jumping.
It’s either amazing, or someone gets seriously injured.
There is no in between.
You’re the author of your own story, which is probably why it sucks.
Thinking about kids?
My son poured syrup in every floor vent. 11 years later it still smells like waffles every time the heat comes on.
Jokes on her! I LIKE sleeping on the couch.
First they came for the mime artists, and I said something, because I didn’t want them to think I was also a mime artist.
Wife: “How did your first day as a lifeguard go?”
Me: “Amazingly well, thanks. Everyone was so friendly and waving at me.”