BOSS: you’re an hour late
GUY WHO’S ABOUT TO INVENT DAYLIGHT SAVINGS TIME: oh you haven’t heard?
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if I get married all my bridesmaids are going to be bats
You want me to take a shower? the thing that ended dinosaurs?
When your prospective father-in-law asks:”Why do you ask for my daughters hand in marriage?”
Do NOT say:”Because I am tired of using my own”
DMV: Please make an appointment for faster service.
Also DMV: Your appointment means nothing. Sit & wait, peasant.
*Getting kidnapped* Okay, but can you please make me some coffee first?
I keep getting blocked by my old math teachers on Facebook for messaging them stuff like “remember when you said I wasn’t always gonna have a calculator in my pocket”
Maybe there’s no sunshine when he’s gone, but at least I don’t have to fight over the remote.
reasons white people riot:
1. their sports team wins
2. their sports team loses
3. no more tickle me elmos
4. tea
5. pumpkins
[first day birdwatching]
is that a penguin? *moments later* is that a penguin?
BAE: wats for lunch
ME: i feel like a sandwich
BAE: u dont LOOK like a sandwich
ME: [secretly been trying to dress sandwichly for weeks] oh.
Yes, I DO think “did you bring my pizza?” is an acceptable answer when you’re in a public bathroom and someone knocks on the door.
Ten out of six people don’t understand how surveys work.
Who called it a washer repairman and a not a spin doctor?
Her: I can’t do this anymore, you need to grow up
Me: *sticking my head out of the window of my Thundercats themed Tree House* Where’s this coming from?
Girlfriend mentioned she was lacking iron in her diet.
I gave her all my wrinkled shirts.
And that’s how the fight started.
Good morning to everyone except the people who prefer the taste of margarine over butter.
So I just found some ham in my purse. How thoughtful of drunk me.
My son gave me the ultimate Mother’s Day gift: he just brought out all of the cups & dishes from his room & filled the kitchen sink.
I’m so blessed.
Next time you yawn in front of me i’m gonna chuck a peanut m&m down your throat.
All of these people are screaming like they’ve never seen someone revving a chainsaw on a public beach.
All I’m saying is what kind of father would encourage a wayward son to carry on?
Did you guys hear about the football player who hits women? No the other one. No the other one.
I wanted to lose some pounds…..
So I went to the casino.
[the seventh day]
God: *walks in wearing bangs*
Angel: maybe you should rest
Girls are a lot like oceans,
beautiful
and deep
but once a month
it’s shark week.
I’m watching Dune at 40 like, “hope that white boy packed sun block.”
[first date]
ME: Don’t let her know you’re a potato
HER: It’s really hot in here
ME: [starts baking] oh no
My favorite pirate song is “Aye of the Tiger”
Me at 14: *reads three Harry Potter books in one day*
Me at 27: *sees a text that’s longer than 2 sentences* holy shit, I just do not have the time for this
Huh, this is a first
Never had an ambulance follow me to the gym before
They must know