BOSS: you’re fired
ME: is it because I won’t take no for an answer?
BOSS: no
ME: is it because I won’t take no for an answer?
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Oh, your pet loves you more than anyone else? No shit, if you controlled when I ate I’d be obsessed with you too.
Rocket Man vs. Rockhead Man. An epic battle of two Superzeros.
Pro tip…Excessive use of alcohol can cause memory loss or worse memory loss.
I hate showing my baby pictures because everyone says “you were so cute” but there’s always the unspoken but implied “what happened”
10 bucks says when Dora grows up, she’s gonna be a drug mule.
My husband calls me Sugar and my dog’s name is Sugar so when he says, “C’mere Sugar” there’s an awkward stare down between me and the dog.
I’m no mathementientist, but I should probably go to bed because it’s 4AM and I’m making up words again.
I can walk up to any dog, rub its butt and make a friend. That trick only works about half the time on people.
I just convinced my toddler to play Rock Paper Scissors alone because she was cheating and she just quit against herself because she was cheating
Remember that time you were reluctant to test my latest invention “amnesia pills” but did anyway?
“No”
excellent.
I’d pay this overdue bill but I’m waiting to see what color invoice they will use next.
STOP PUTTING DIARRHOEA MEDICATION ON THE BOTTOM SHELF
Cats do not subscribe to the laws of physics.
The only way I’d want to watch a video of you pouring a bucket of ice water over your head is if you promise you drown at the end.
gf: that guy hit on me, show him who’s boss
me: *whispering to guy* she is
want me to check your oil?
I love salad! Just wish it had the taste & texture of pizza.
Hairless cats look like the devil screwed up a possession.
Perms are just rad skateparks for lice.
Walmart greeters check and barcode returns now before you go on to customer service. So at least two people will know I ended up not needing that maximum strength ex-lax after all.
People pass a joint around like it’s no big deal, but the minute I ask someone to do that with their Subway sandwich, I’m a weirdo.
(trying to explain what adulthood is like to a kid) you know in sims when you put a guy in the pool and then you take all the ladders out.
I really love sarcasm.
It’s like punching people in the face but with words.
In 5th grade the boy I had a crush on called me on the phone and told me he loved me…then screamed April Foooools and hung up.
It took me 34 years but jokes on you, Chris. I don’t even like you that much anymore.
When they tell you the salad is your whole dinner and not just a side
Me: Do you want in or out?
My dog: Yes.
[airplane nose dives]
*turns to kid behind
‘Could you please stop kicking my seat!’
If a cockroach can survive a catastrophic nuclear holocaust, then what in the digital heavens do they put in Raid? #ThingsToPonderAtNight
Apparently my kids think, “Be quiet for a half hour so I can take a nap,” actually means, “Host a rave in the hallway.”
Secret to peaceful parenting is to never tell your child the plans for the day