@KalvinMacleod

BOSS: you’re fired
ME: is it because I won’t take no for an answer?
BOSS: no
ME: is it because I won’t take no for an answer?

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@TheBoydP

The old saying about pissed off waiters applies to everyone really. I’m fairly certain the guy at Home Depot just spit on my mulch.

@BuckyIsotope

Joe Biden is in the White House kitchen right now licking every piece of silverware and putting them back in the drawer

@nibz250

It’s so cold today a racist told me to go back to Pakistan and I just agreed with him

@callstotheheart

My daughter’s teacher told me my child is obsessed with video games and that I need to work with her on it. I’m like I do. I’m player 2.

@ThisOneSayz

Me, in shorts and a t-shirt

7yo: Mom, why are you dressed all fancy?

@ArfMeasures

Son: Daddy, when does this end?

Me: No-one knows, our existence is a long, bleak road upon which we travel until the final embrace of death

Son: I mean when does this party end?

Me: 7.30

@jimmytorosian

What idiot called it “leaving right after sex” and not “nuts and bolts”?

@BunAndLeggings

The cashier at the grocery store was flirting with my husband, and I’m a little mad because she didn’t even give him a discount.

@Brampersandon_

[first day as a weatherman]

ANCHOR: sounds like cold weather may be on the way, Brandon, whats this i hear about three inches?

ME: *nervously adjusting tie* i’ve been told it’s an adequate amount Jim

@_ElvishPresley_

[dog dies in a movie]
Me: *crying*

[human dies in a movie]
Me: *crying* why did they have to kill that dog earlier