@KalvinMacleod

BOSS: you’re fired
ME: is it because I won’t take no for an answer?
BOSS: no
ME: is it because I won’t take no for an answer?

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@TheHyyyype

[first day of zoology class]

me: what fighting style do geese use?

professor: excuse me?

me: pandas use kung fu, what about geese

professor: i don’t think-

me: tae swan do

@Brentweets

Playing Guess Who these days is hard
“Is your person white?”
“Excuse me?”
“Is your person white?”
“I don’t see skin color I just see people”

@northernlivng24

8:00 Puts on lipstick and gloss

8:05 Buys coffee to ensure full lipstick removal

@Darlainky

I’m looking at old yearbooks and for the first time I’m questioning whether my classmates really meant “You’re crazy” as a compliment.

@momtransparent1

“I can’t hear you because my eyes are closed.”

– my kid, showing off my exemplary homeschool skills

@TwinSurvivalist

The slow disappearance in forks from the silverware drawer solidifies my fears of an upcoming arms race with my children.

@UnFitz

I have an irrational fear that I’m accidentally making up words. I don’t want to be misunderstandable.

@CantWaitToNap

Husband: “Why do you ALWAYS have to be on your phone?”

Me: “Sounds good, I’m starving.”

@TheRolo

FBI: “Report anything that seems suspicious”

Citizens: “Jet fuel can’t melt steel beams”

FBI: “K like not anything anything”

@ElKnuckelhombre

My 7 yr. old thought it would be really funny to hold up a sign in the back window of the car that said “HELP ME!”. It was not.