BOSS: you’re fired
ME: is it because I won’t take no for an answer?
BOSS: no
ME: is it because I won’t take no for an answer?

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The old saying about pissed off waiters applies to everyone really. I’m fairly certain the guy at Home Depot just spit on my mulch.


Joe Biden is in the White House kitchen right now licking every piece of silverware and putting them back in the drawer


It’s so cold today a racist told me to go back to Pakistan and I just agreed with him


My daughter’s teacher told me my child is obsessed with video games and that I need to work with her on it. I’m like I do. I’m player 2.


Me, in shorts and a t-shirt

7yo: Mom, why are you dressed all fancy?


Son: Daddy, when does this end?

Me: No-one knows, our existence is a long, bleak road upon which we travel until the final embrace of death

Son: I mean when does this party end?

Me: 7.30


What idiot called it “leaving right after sex” and not “nuts and bolts”?


The cashier at the grocery store was flirting with my husband, and I’m a little mad because she didn’t even give him a discount.


[first day as a weatherman]

ANCHOR: sounds like cold weather may be on the way, Brandon, whats this i hear about three inches?

ME: *nervously adjusting tie* i’ve been told it’s an adequate amount Jim


[dog dies in a movie]
Me: *crying*

[human dies in a movie]
Me: *crying* why did they have to kill that dog earlier