BOSS: you’re fired
ME: please give me another chance, I’m struggling to put food on the table
BOSS: that’s the problem…you’re the worst waiter I’ve ever hired
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Old age is when you need your glasses to find your glasses.
A priest, a minster, and a rabbit walk into a bar. The rabbit says, “I think I’m a typo.”
I cannot stop laughing. Bungalow.
Ask your doctor if your dominant hand is right for you
Can’t party the way I used to. Two rounds of Pin the Tail on the Donkey and I’m spent.
Astronaut: Dave, that’s not necessary in zero-G.
Penguin: [flapping wings] Just let me have this.
I like my men like I like my coffee, tall, dark and left on top of my car
you don’t need to go to a workshop to build a bear, most of the time you don’t even need to build a bear.
I would love to live a sober life but then I’d be giving my MIL a reason to like me…
Therapist: U need some tools to cope with ur anger
Me: Like a sledgehammer?
T: No. More like breathing-
M: Fire? Can u make me breathe fire?
Never watch porn when you’re tripping. You’ll zero in on the sad eyes and start to see a kaleidoscope of missed dance recitals and pain.
Yesterday, Trump spoke to two female American astronauts while they were in space. Not only did they make history being the first crew to perform an all-woman spacewalk, they also made history by being the first women to speak to Trump at a distance that was probably pretty safe.
Apps are like “wanna skip this ad? Click this tiny x, sausage fingers lol”
At this point I’m waiting for my student loans to ask me if I want to add 10%, 15% or 20% gratuity to my bill.
Just found out there’s a bug called the tarantula hawk wasp and I’m like holy shit maybe just pick one terrifying predator to name it after.
coming to theaters soon: Dawn of the Rise of the Dawn of the Planet of the Rise of the Rise of the Dawn of the Apes
My son proposed to his fiancée about six months ago and she said yes. They’re super happy, we love her family too. I just found out today that another girl is in love with him and plans to propose next week…. should I say anything? Oh and also, he’s 4. They’re all 4.
I’m giving dirty looks to this dad at the cafe whose kid is being obnoxious but he’s not doing anything about it so I guess I’m going to have to deal with it because he’s my kid too or whatever.
“Can I buy you a drink?”
“I’d rather just have the money”
Autocorrect changed “panic attack” to “pancake attack” and now I’m hysterical AND hungry.
Coworker: What book you reading there?
Me: ‘How To Kidnap A Coworker’
CW:…
Me: Not you, Karen. A pretty one.
Sorry, Ghostbusters.
At best, I might email or text you.
“HOW” – dyslexic owl
*pulls up to drive thru window
Hi yes, do you guys deliver?
Why don’t they make Neapolitan ice cream but with 3 better flavors?
i’m a pretty resilient person unless something hard is happening
Jealous that secret agents can get out of any phone conversation at any time by saying “it’s not safe to talk on the phone right now”
“I want frog legs.”
-Fancy restaurant order or the coolest plastic surgery request ever
Who does Amazon think I am?