BOSS: you’re fired
ME: please give me another chance, I’m struggling to put food on the table
BOSS: that’s the problem…you’re the worst waiter I’ve ever hired
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when u come home smelling like another dog
If your wife asks which friend would you like to have a threesome with, name her. Not two of her friends. Trust me guys.
I was going through a stack of yearbooks yesterday when I saw I was voted “Most Likely to Steal all These Damn Yearbooks”.
If I could have dinner with one person, dead or alive, it would have to be Schrödinger’s cat.
Delilah: hey
Jude: hey there
Oh, your kid is in all honors courses. That’s cool. Well, my kids are learning from real life experiences like why we don’t put forks in the microwave.
Just once I’d like to see a hostage negotiator aim higher than pizza
If I’m suddenly acting really nice to you, chances are it’s only because I want what you’re eating.
The ending of platonic relationships is way harder because it’s someone looking at your personality alone and being like no thanks
Mom used to say the only accessory a fashionable girl needs is a virtuous reputation. But it’s bracelets.
My blood type is coffee.
got kicked out of the library this morning for starting a mosh pit
[Fancy restaurant]
DATE: *seductively* I like a man who knows what he wants
ME: *way too loudly* THERE’S NOT ENOUGH KETCHUP ON MY TATER TOTS
My GF is such a bad cook. The flies got together to fix the Screen Door.
[Google Search History]
1. Do raccoons like to cuddle?
2. What does rabies smell like?
3. I can’t feel my face.
Sure, everyone thinks a chubby dude in a diaper shooting people with a bow & arrow is cute until I do it at Starbucks & please send bail.
Alien: Take me to your leader.
Me: (nervous af) Look my wife is following a diet and she’s not in the best mood today…
On our weekly family Zoom, my stepmom always says how pretty I am.
Today I replied, “I’m more than a pretty face.”
STEPMOM: “Are you sure?”
ME: “I have an elbow. Look.”
SM: “That’s nothing to brag about.”
ME: “It bends and everything.”
SM: “I’ve seen better.”
The doctor said to spread my legs wider for the exam. Going to the optometrist is kind of fun.
*tries to lasso the remote control with my Fitbit tied to a shoestring*
Cereal. Check.
Milk. Check.
Bread. Check.
Fruit. Check.
Salad. Check.
Wow, the looks I am getting! Guess I could have paid w/ 1 check.
*doesn’t turn down whale sounds relaxation cd while being pulled over*
$20 to go through a corn maze? That’s $20 more than I expect to pay for a walk through vegetables.
No, YOU just microwaved an oven mitt!
“Christopher! What’s the rule?”
“Don’t eat the Amazon guy?”
“The other rule.”
“Don’t eat the UPS guy?”
“The OTHER rule.”
“Stay off the furniture?”
“That’s right.”
I saw a sign that said save the earth it’s the only planet that has tacos and I thought that’s so dumb how do they know other planets don’t have tacos?
Ok but how old is your child in minutes?
Toys R Us went out of business because their mascot was a stupid giraffe when it could’ve been a toy dinosaur called the Toysaurus. It was right there man.
My wife is a beautiful, kind & giving woman who also checks my TL.
If we go into lockdown again, can we just buy the sourdough this time?