boss: you’re fired
me: [slamming fist on couch] you woke me up for this?
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Hey, Christianity- what’s all the fuss about a virgin anyway? I could be a virgin if I wanted to. But I don’t. Because sex. Also? More sex.
made the mistake of believing my kid when he said he didn’t want me to buy him cheesy bread
Who called it a yes man and not an indulge gent
i cant feel my face when im with you /
please untie me /
nose is itchy
U once broke ur toe? I once broke my foot. U had a baby? I had 2 babies. U have a bad back? I have a bad front. I can do this all day, btw.
been adding little motivational notes in books so I can read more 😊
Lavender is my latest aromatherapy love, but it’ll be awhile before anything makes me forget about rubber cement.
BREAKING: Jennifer Lawrence taking 2-year break from acting.
Vin Diesel is also taking a break from acting, but will keep making movies.
I want my friends and family at my funeral, but more than that, I want a mysterious stranger watching from behind a tree
In some societies it’s considered rude to put post-it notes on people’s heads in the doctor’s surgery with your guess what’s wrong with them
Me: *sitting naked on the exam table*
Doctor: Ma’am, that’s my desk.
Me: What?
Doctor: Are you ready for your hearing test?
me: I’ve got a date tonight and I need all the help I can get
barber: ok
[later]
her: you look nicebarber, from under the table: tell her she looks nice too
[therapy session]
THERAPIST: ok…I totally respect your feelings & you sound genuine…but that was just the plot of Jurassic Park
ME: nuh uh
I’m sorry, I’m going to have to cancel, I’m completely snowed in
WIFE: I want a divorce.
ME: Is it because of my small wrists?
WIFE: Yes.
ME: [taking off bracelet] Then take your ring back.
*Rock “the Dwayne” Johnson
how are we gonna sell our car this year? how about a commercial where the car is driving around on roads. great work everyone time for lunch
Dating – Every Kiss begins with Kay.
Marriage – Every conversation ends with K.
[ opening music ]
scientist: try not to give each other the zombie virus
everyone: lol
[ roll credits ]
Text:
OMG! I can’t believe you tweet such
vile, offensive, filthy, sick things.
You should be removed from society.
GET HELP!Love Mom XO
So what does everyone do with their dryer lint
So, I bought the Cucumber Mint lip balm from Burt’s Bees. I kinda love it and hate it too. What? Oh, yeah I want to report a murder.
Her: I’m leaving you
Me: But i thought we were happy
Her: You’d rather make stuffed animals out of pastries than spend time with me
Me: You leave eclair bear out of this
Easy come, Bismillah!
easy go, No, we
will you let will not let
me go? you go
Lights that commit crimes are sent to prism
Grasping the ungraspable with Gorilla Glue. Now it’s mine. Forever. Oh.
Me: I’m so bored I literally have nothing to do
*10 upcoming assignments due tomorrow*
I’ve seen almost 400 kung-fu and wuxia movies over the past three years, so when I say I’ve never seen a fight like this before, it’s not hyperbole
(Drunken Dragon/Exciting Dragon – dir. Chiu Chung-Hing, 1985)
Me: If I can stick to schedule I can get everything done just in time
Toddler: I WANNA HELP!
What do we want?
A CURE FOR PARANOIA
When do we want it?
WHO WANTS TO KNOW