I made £40,000 in one day using a simple trick. Send me £2,000 and I’ll tell you how I did it
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how terrible do you think Maria von Trapp’s life had to be that she included “doorbells” on her list of favorite things
RIVERS WILL RUN RED WITH THE BLOOD OF MY ENEMIES & ALL WHO PLOTTED AGAINST ME WILL KNOW A FEAR-oh never mind my keys were in my other pocket
Legal tip for men: if you get a free t shirt at a bar, you’re not required to keep it forever, like they can’t arrest you if u throw it out.
bias laundering edition
Boss: “Do you know why I called you in here?”
Me: “To see if I can read minds?”
Got kicked out of the Navy Seals for splashing the other guys in the pool
Dude warned me he doesn’t always respond to texts right away.
It’s been 476 days. Dude wasn’t playin
Wife: What do you want to do for Cinco de Mayo?
Me: *sits on the couch and scratches in Spanish*
Me: The house is a disaster. We all need to clean.
8-year-old: Who’s coming over?
Me: No one. We’re cleaning for us.
8: But we already know we live like this.
Well, well, well. If it isn’t that same mistake I’ve made several times already.
[first day as lifeguard]
Kid: *waving dramatically*
Me: hey are u waving at me or those kids behind me?
It’s just a flesh wound…
*looks down at hibachi knives I just pretended I was Master Chef with*
*looks at bystander I just chop chopped*
*husband and I arguing*
Kids (in unison): “YAYYYYYY TWO CHRISTMASES!!!!!
I successfully avoided the red-eye flight and got the much milder pink eye flight.
At some point you realize that world peace and inner peace are too much to wish for and ask for an extra piece of pizza instead
“Ah, Mr Bond, I-”
*closes laptop lid and pulls up trousers*
“-wasn’t expecting you.”
My 4yo tells me his toothpaste is “too spicy” but he doesn’t seem to be having any trouble with Flamin’ Hot Cheetos
Mugger: Hand over your wallet and… is that a real diamond ring on her finger?
Wife: *whispering to me* Lie to him.
Me: Yes it is.
This salad tastes like I’ll be eating spaghetti at midnight. 😒
Good night cop: Want the light on or off? Sweet dreams kiddo.
Bad night cop: You will go to sleep or I will put you to sleep.
If I don’t see two minivans lock reindeer antlers over a Target parking space tonight, what are the holidays even about?
My lady bits are ready to be fertilized now….
Flirting is easy!
monday
Mom! Don’t worry, but there’s a spider over here. Don’t come over. And don’t worry, it’s not big but it’s actually huge so maybe stay away.
If Twitter allowed us to attach a signature to each Tweet, mine would be : “He said, stupidly.”
Someone posted this in and I can’t stop laughing.
I am officially old enough to have to put on glasses to find my pants
Raid™: For when you don’t want to kill ants, but want to make them late for something.