@NewDadNotes

Boss: you’re fired
Me: *turns in chair with cat in my lap*
I expected this; you found my search history yes?
Boss: Linda wants her cat back

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@living_marble

Characters in werewolf movies always develop heightened senses and sex drives and cravings for raw meat and never develop the urge to spend all day playing with squeaky chew toys.

@Gupton68

The best way to avoid being left with the bill when dining out with friends is by not having any friends.

Tune in tomorrow for another secret the Illuminati don’t want you to know.

@ArfMeasures

[Watching the World Cup]
GUY *nods at the screen* Who’s your favourite player?
ME: uh…that round-headed guy is good, what’s his name again?
GUY:
ME:
GUY: That’s the ball
ME: Ok

@JB4Realz

government: let’s reopen stuff.

public: ummmm…

guy who sells death certificate printers: let’s hear him out…

@deardilettante

How’s it going?

“I’m so glad you asked, really need to talk to someone right now”

You’re supposed to say ‘fine’ & ask how I am. Bye.

@Carbosly

I don’t care about Disney lying about my Prince Charming. I’m more pissed about forest creatures and their unwillingness to clean my house.

@iinkedZombie

[answers phone]
Me: yeah?!
Boss: are you okay?
Me: just taking a quick lunch break
Boss: you haven’t showed up in 2 days!

@PastorBate

Sea cucumbers are actually animals, so regular cucumbers are either lying or they need to step their game up.

@MomOnFire

Everyone: We’re concerned about you.

Me: *snorting crushed up smarties off the back of a public toilet* why tho?

@RobocopLust

911: 911. What’s your emergency?

Me: I’m bleeding profusely.

911: Sir, this line is reserved for joke formats.

Me: …