Boss: You’re fired
Me: *turns in my gun and my badge*
Boss: You’re a waiter where did you get those
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Me: It’s not how often you fall down, it’s how many times you get up that matters.
Cop: That’s not how field sobriety tests work.
Don’t shoot until you see the whites of their eyes!!
The other side: *has jaundice wins the war*
F•r•i•e•n•d•s only its D•o•g•s
but instead of claps in the theme song,
barks
It’s a comfort knowing Dad is looking down on me, but we should probably cut his hang-glider out of that tree one of these days.
I’m going green for the holidays.
Grinch green.
My husband at 3 AM: What’s that noise? What’s that noise? What’s THAT noise? I can’t sleep.
My husband when I’m talking to him, in his ear, with a megaphone: What? Sorry, I didn’t hear you.
Ghost a one-night stand by dying in their apartment.
[trying to unhook a bra]
*kung fu noises*
20’s: AT DAWN WE RIDE !
40’s: AT NINE WE SLEEP !
HER: [flirting] I bet you have a lot of skeletons in your closet.
ME: Haha no. Those bodies won’t show their skeletons for months.
Fun prank: a YouTube white noise track of ten hours of “Rainfall In a Forest,” but, at the seven-hour point, you can hear two people walk past planning a murder
One a scale of keystone light to jaeger how drunk are you sir?
PANCAKE
ok I need you to step out of the car
Jesus has returned! He’s in my DMs asking for Amazon gift cards and has terrible grammar. But it’s TOTALLY him.
The back half of my duplex apparently has been rented out and they just arrived in two pick up trucks decked out in chamoflague wearing chamoflague. I also might not know how to spell that word.
Trying to figure out if you practice the violin for many hours every day, or if you just have a really bad hickey.
“Amen and dig in” is a perfectly acceptable way to end a prayer at the potluck because honestly nobody is even listening when there’s food involved.
Are you supposed to wear the fanny pack over the gut or underneath it? I don’t want to look like a dork.
Let’s join our hands together and pray for my husband who very tragically compared me to my mother.
They called me hysterical, and I laughed and laughed and laughed and laughed and laughed and laughed and laughed and laughed and laughed
My answer to the question “where would you most like to work?” is the same as to the question “what’s your favourite dog?” Chocolate lab.
Baby Lawyer: Did you steal the victim’s nose?
Accused: No. *cries into palms
Baby Judge: O, great, he’s disappeared again.
When you go out with a couple on the brink of divorce.
Me carrying the weight of being the funniest person in my whole family
For $600 and a box of Little Debbie snacks, I’ll smuggle you into Ireland where you can live out your days with a bog witch of your choosing.
Just read that the average woman goes on 7 diets in her lifetime and I was like “wtf” because I’ve been on 7 diets since lunch.
[Rose from Titanic teaching her kid to ride a bike]
*holding back of seat* I’ll never let go
[2 seconds later]
*lets go*
me: [waiting in line at the bank]
other bank robber: “keith just go to the front”
Normal people flirting: Hey you’re cute we should go out sometime
Me flirting: So do you like bread
I think one reason babies cry on planes is because flying sucks & babies aren’t liars like you & me.