@continentlbkfst

boss : you’re gonna do the color commentary tonight ok

[later]

announcer: here goes jackson rounding 3rd

me: and those pants are as mustard yellow as it gets folks

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@dsmitty62

Told my mom I hit 1200 Twitter followers. She pointed out how my brother owns a house and I’m wanted by several collection agencies. Oh ma!

@Cheeseboy22

I always make it a point to become friends with babies. That’s free cake once a year for a lifetime.

@BunAndLeggings

[Calling doctor’s office]

Lady: When is your child’s birthday?

Me: *panic* click

@Jerk_Martin

Me flirting at a party

me: so what’s your major

her: radiology

me: oh cool AM or FM?

@WilliamAder

When making small talk at a tweet-up, avoid using the word “fungus.”

@rcromwell4

What percentage of the zombies are just chasing you down to tell you they’re vegan?

@exador86

“I’m sorry” and “my bad” mean the same thing unless you’re at a funeral.

@huntigula

[Jesus at Last Supper]
*breaks bread* This is my body
*pours wine* This is my blood
*opens jar of mayo*
Judas: I’m gonna stop u right there