Told my mom I hit 1200 Twitter followers. She pointed out how my brother owns a house and I’m wanted by several collection agencies. Oh ma!
boss : you’re gonna do the color commentary tonight ok
announcer: here goes jackson rounding 3rd
me: and those pants are as mustard yellow as it gets folks
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Twerking is the crocs of dancing.
I always make it a point to become friends with babies. That’s free cake once a year for a lifetime.
[Calling doctor’s office]
Lady: When is your child’s birthday?
Me: *panic* click
Me flirting at a party
me: so what’s your major
me: oh cool AM or FM?
When making small talk at a tweet-up, avoid using the word “fungus.”
What percentage of the zombies are just chasing you down to tell you they’re vegan?
“I’m sorry” and “my bad” mean the same thing unless you’re at a funeral.
[Jesus at Last Supper]
*breaks bread* This is my body
*pours wine* This is my blood
*opens jar of mayo*
Judas: I’m gonna stop u right there