boss : you’re gonna do the color commentary tonight ok
[later]
announcer: here goes jackson rounding 3rd
me: and those pants are as mustard yellow as it gets folks
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someone tried formatting these windows in a Word doc
Girl: Saying hot is disrespectful. You should say ‘beautiful’ instead.
Me: Ok.
Me: Can you please pass the beautiful sauce?
I often wondered what it’d be like to be married to an idiot.
I asked my wife and she said you get used to it after a while.
Son, your insistence on dismembering all of your siblings is tearing this family apart!
No, Karen ….
Gold, Frankincense and Myrrh
is NOT a Jewish law firm.
When you send a risky message to your crush and wait for the reply
This is your pilot speaking. We’ll be taking off shortly once our flight crew confirms that this is, in fact, an airplane
Mom made me take Millie to the prom. With her dark hair and big, brown eyes, I didn’t argue. Horseshoes can sure wreck a gymnasium floor.
Dear Televised Sports Injury,
We saw it the first time.
Thanks.
“Expecto me to be there”
Harry Potter RSVPing to a party
me: what’s the difference between an american and an australian spider?
date: i don’t know
me: one is a spider you idiot
Wife: Did u load the dishw-
Me: [slowly turning into a dog]
Wife: you can’t just animorph your way out of every argu–aww who’s a good boy?!
WIFE: I got us this new candle
ME: sweet. What flavor is it?
W: don’t you mean ‘what scent is it?’
ME (with a mouthful of candle wax): What?
I had an erotic dream last night that my house was clean.
The Good News: My doctor says I’m healthy as a horse.
The Bad News: She used another large farm animal to describe my weight.
Missed garbage day today if you’re looking for a bad boy that doesn’t play by the rules
After watching “101 Dalmations” I hoped my dog’s barking was to help others, but I think she is just spreading gossip.
murderer: i forgot all my murder weapons
me: i’ll wait
I don’t get it. Rock beats scissors but no one says shit about running with them.
Just got a splinter from a 100 year-old bed frame and damn that MFer was really playing the long game
A shock absorber sounds like something you need for when you’re watching the news.
Therapist: I think you both suffer from Münchausen syndrome
Hansel and Gretel: [mouths full of gingerbread and gumdrops] why?
if I’m ever feeling lonely and I need someone to talk to me, I just announce to my spouse or kids that I’m about to take a nap
Me, thinking about what i’d do if 10 birds attacked me all at once: sorry i zoned out there for a second what’d u say
friend: i said TWENTY BIRDS ARE ON THEIR WAY TO ATTACK YOU
me: OH NO!
You know, if you murder enough people you get your own Wikipedia page.
I always carry a knife w me in case i run into someone w 10,000 spoons.
This is a whole mood;
*Approaches a guy reading “Catch Me If You Can”*
I love that book. The way he just *clenches fist* catches all those freakin’ cans.
[Tim Burton tries baseball]
COACH [rubs eyes]Got it now
T: Yes
C: Ok. Pitch
T: A dark haunted tale starring Johnny De-
C: I’m gonna kill him