@continentlbkfst

boss : you’re gonna do the color commentary tonight ok

[later]

announcer: here goes jackson rounding 3rd

me: and those pants are as mustard yellow as it gets folks

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@angelunatic_

Picture me and my boyfriend on a dinner date

Wrong

We’re sitting on the same side of the table making you uncomfortable

@NicestHippo

“Great speech! Have you thought about giving it from behind a wooden box for some reason?” – podium salesman

@UnFitz

Who called it anxiety and not revenge of the nerves?

@jqfonseca

Dear student,

When you use a camera to digitise a coursework for submission, please make sure you crop out any bits you don’t usually show off in public. Alternatively, please wear pants when taking the photos.

Yours,

A disturbed lecturer

@clichedout

ME: we have a problem, they’re out of hot dogs

HER: that’s ok, i’m vegan

ME: ok we have two problems

@XplodingUnicorn

[terrible nursing home]

Old guy: How did you end up here?

Elderly me: I made my kids steak instead of hot dogs.

Him: *gasps* You monster.

@StarvingHartist

Weird how people say that gay marriage will lead to people marrying dogs, but the 2nd amendment is never gonna give dogs guns.

@dshack8

Pre-Having Daughters:
*Hates hearing “NO” from women

Post-Having Daughters:
*Teaches them “NO” in 167 different languages including Klingon