Picture me and my boyfriend on a dinner date
We’re sitting on the same side of the table making you uncomfortable
boss : you’re gonna do the color commentary tonight ok
announcer: here goes jackson rounding 3rd
me: and those pants are as mustard yellow as it gets folks
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“Great speech! Have you thought about giving it from behind a wooden box for some reason?” – podium salesman
Who called it anxiety and not revenge of the nerves?
Dreaming you’re peeing can be a very dangerous dream.
When you use a camera to digitise a coursework for submission, please make sure you crop out any bits you don’t usually show off in public. Alternatively, please wear pants when taking the photos.
A disturbed lecturer
ME: we have a problem, they’re out of hot dogs
HER: that’s ok, i’m vegan
ME: ok we have two problems
[terrible nursing home]
Old guy: How did you end up here?
Elderly me: I made my kids steak instead of hot dogs.
Him: *gasps* You monster.
Weird how people say that gay marriage will lead to people marrying dogs, but the 2nd amendment is never gonna give dogs guns.
Got kicked out of a mosh pit again for petting people’s hair
*Hates hearing “NO” from women
*Teaches them “NO” in 167 different languages including Klingon