boss : you’re gonna do the color commentary tonight ok
[later]
announcer: here goes jackson rounding 3rd
me: and those pants are as mustard yellow as it gets folks
You Might Also Like
me: i’m going to make one of those diagrams that uses circles
dracula: venn
me: probably tomorrow
I turned on my computer and it went “Word” and I was like “Yo”.
*jolts awake*
*frantically searches around*WAIT A MINUTE!
THIS FEELS LIKE ONLY 47 PILLOWS!
Tax questionnaires make me sad. “Still single? Still no home? No kids? Life is meaningless?” Get out of my FACE Turbo Tax
by age 35 you should hate at least 4 neighborhood kids
Opening a package of cheese within 2 miles of my dog is the plot to A Quiet Place 2
awkardly looking around the applebees bar & grill for my tidner date whose profile picture is waluigi
Imagine dating, falling in love, getting married, having kids, and only then realizing that the person you chose is literally incapable of whispering
saying goodnight to the group chat only to go to the other group chat with 27 of the same people
Going to show my kids before and after pictures of Lindsay Lohan and say this girl didn’t think she needed a nap either.
Why do people assume I know all about computers just because I’m from India? That makes so I angry I just want to 01010010101010101010101
You’re the last hot dog on the rollers at 7-11 of people.
THE HOT FISH FROM NEMO???? WHAT DO YOU MEAN THE HOT FISH FROM NEMO?????
Never ask a girl “How are you single?”
BECAUSE THEY WILL SHOW YOU
I embrace aging gracefully
And bitterly
With good humor
And rage
[Corporate Olive Garden meeting, 1985]
Jesus: Let’s do unlimited breadsticks.
CEO: How can we supply that many?
Jesus: *winks at camera*
Ohh, no thanks. I have seen a baby before
Middle of the night In bed:
*Loud noise*
Wife – Did you hear that?
Me –
Wife – I said did you hear that?
Me (under the bed) – Yes
[me narrating a documentary about grasshoppers]
And here we see these little liars hopping on sand.
Thanks, Google, probably could have managed those last two letters myself
My best friend’s marriage is such an inspiration.
As a reminder that there are worse things than dying alone.
me: sorry if I’m bothering you
surgeon: how do you keep waking up and saying that
[I see a bug outside] Nature is marvelous
[I see a bug inside] This must be the deliverer of my death
I can’t believe she picked her husband, her boyfriend and her other boyfriend over me.
hey (with the intention of stealing your hoodie, your heart, and your fries)
When my date called himself the boogie man I was afraid we’d spent hours in a noisy club. Imagine my relief when we spent hours just randomly grabbing uncovered ankles from underneath beds.
“Thats a killer dirt bike you’ve got, man!”
*dirt bike holds a knife to your throat*
Believe me…I know.
Me: I want to kiss you everywhere!
Her: You mean New York, Paris & London?
Me: Um, ya that’s what I meant.
My parents kept me humble by having 6 kids and regularly forgetting my name