boss: you’re late again

me: i saw a dog

boss: that’s what you said yesterday

me: he lives in my house

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[pulled over]

Cop: Sir the reason I stopped you is your license plate is just a piece of paper with numbers written on it

Me: (offers badly drawn $100 bill) Oh you don’t say maybe this will clear everything up


[beside lady with baby]
Her: Smells like someone went poop poop! Does the baby need a change?
Me: *blushing* Yes ma’am.


Cop: Hey U!

U: who, me?

Cop: no the other 1!

1: who, me?

Cop: both of U!

W: who, us?

Cop: Yes you!

U: Who, me?

Cop: No!

No: yes?


If life were a romantic comedy I would be the guy on a date with the girl when the male lead makes his grand gesture that wins her back.


People who sleep on the floor in a tent, build fires, poop in a hole and fight off bears…there is another way.



Me (waiter): Say when



*First day undercover as a teen at the local college*
Me: How about them woke baes?
Them: What?
Me: Big mood bruh it’s lit so savage salty.
Them: Are you having a stroke mister?
*In a panic I start to twerk*


If tennis rules were chasing the ball and bringing it to your opponent without letting him have it, my dog would be the best in the world.


Lasers were once the biggest scientific breakthrough in history, but now we use them to play with cats.


Want to spice things up? Look them right in the eyes and lick their fingers seductively.

My dentist didn’t appreciate it, but yours might.