Boss: You’re late! On Friday, I made it clear that anyone arriving late would be fired

Me: Well I didn’t know! I ducked out early on Friday

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Hello? Yes, this is the chair store calling, are you sitting down? No? well


“Damn girl, you look hot”


“Like a sexy little italian car”



[during sex]

Him: are you on your phone?

Me: it’s called live tweeting maybe you’ve heard of it


[WOLF CUB] Dad, why do we howl at the moon?
[WOLF DAD] Well son, the moon is made of cheese and that’s rad as hell


Divorce lawyer: we should talk about custody

Me: I can’t trust her with my ant farm

Wife: he means the kids

Me: I trust them even less


Oops. Everyone brought their “see you next year”s to work today and I only brought my throat slashing gesture.


Most guys that think they know everything about women usually lack one thing…. A woman.


When my boyfriend gives me a hug during an argument, it looks loving, but I’m just patting him down to make sure he’s not wearing a wire.


Me: *takes off my clothes*

Masseuse Instructor: No. The client removes their clothes…not you.


You’ll get this gun when you pry it out of my cold dead ow hey give that back