@AristotlesNZ

Boss: You’re late! You shoulda been here two hours ago!
Me: Why? What happened two hours ago?

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@mattselman

If the United States ever collapses, the upside is that we can finally use the blue starry part of American flags to make wizard hats.

@viciousbabydoll

This is an example of the shit I text my kid. I know, I know. Mom of the Year material right here.

@QwertyJones3

Doctor: “Just lie back and relax, I’ll start the lasik eye procedure in a moment.”

*Turns on laser*

*Patient’s face is attacked by cats*

@SarcasticSadOne

Body: we’re exhausted. We’re going to fall asleep so easily.

Brain: you adorable idiot.

@Freak_N_Geeky

A warehouse is just a regular house that was bitten by a wolf under the full moon.

@good_one_rick

my mom is yelling at my stepdad over the difference between a pillow sham and a pillowcase and I tell you what if you get the opportunity to move in with your parents as an adult you should loads of fun highly recommend

@karanbirtinna

Jellyfish husband: I have to work again this weekend.

Jellyfish wife: Just tell your boss he can’t force you to do this every weekend.

Jellyfish husband: You know I can’t do that.

Jellyfish wife: Oh FFS grow a spi…

Jellyfish husband: GROW A WHAT LINDA

@jwoodham

In a parallel universe somewhere, all the Pumpkin Spice Lattes are getting really excited for White Girl season at Starbucks.

@meganamram

I never give homeless people drugs because I know they’re just going to trade them for food

@AnnaKei26

According to the New England Journal of Medicine, the blood alcohol level is to be measured in Lohans now