Just watched a video in which a young lady referred to some shoes from the 90s as “vintage” so you can go ahead and shovel the dirt over me now
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Possum: They say all your spouses passed away under mysterious circumst– wait are those coon skin hats?
Raccoon: Those are just old wives tails
I’m not embarrassed.
I order my gingerbread latte LIKE A GOD DAMN MAN.
(I send my wife into Starbucks while I sit shamefully in the car.)
Cashier: how old r u?
Me:*holding beer nervously* uuh 21
Cashier:*shaking his head sadly as he pulls Trix out of my cart* Trix are for kids.
rotate my tires? buddy, I rotate em all the time. that’s how the car gets places
Buying my parents’ house.
Soon, like so many of the ‘ladies’ here…
I too will be a middle aged man tweeting from his mom’s basement.
From Facebook just now…
When someone asks “You know what I think?”, I say “Yes I do”. End of discussion.
Fitness update: I rode a bike yesterday, and today it feels like I’m smuggling a baseball
Dungeons and Dragons is popular because it appeals to the human fantasy of having a group of friends who can come over at a regular time
Might fornicate around and use a thesaurus
Sex so good your binoculars fog up.
Easy come, Bismillah!
easy go, No, we
will you let will not let
me go? you go
me: tries to sleep.
clock: i think i’m going to karaoke in Morse code now.
My 6 year old is telling me a story, oh wait, now he’s 9.
[first time picking up the tab]
her: don’t forget to leave a tip
me: ah yes *scribbles ‘don’t do drugs’ on receipt*
“Just so you know, you’re coming home with me tonight.” I whisper to all the leftover food on the table from our dinner date.
Your call is important to us. Please continue to hold until your battery is dead.
Pre-Having Daughters:
*Hates hearing “NO” from womenPost-Having Daughters:
*Teaches them “NO” in 167 different languages including Klingon
My dad to me: When I was a kid, people would suffer paralysis and death from Polio.
Me to my son: When I was a kid, hand dryers barely did anything.
I steal babies, run 20 feet, turn around and hand them back to their mothers and say “Just jokin!”
them: With great power comes great responsibility
me: *shuts off electricity*
I would explain it to you but I’m all out of puppets and crayons.
I drove by two different First Baptist churches today.
One of them is lying.
NO…I don’t “make plans” because plans suggest INTENT…
…which is typically the distinction between second & first degree convictions.
Have the people outside with an airhorn trying to scare coyotes tried throwing a tennis ball?
me: are you a cop you talk the talk.
ex-cop: not anymore
me: couldn’t walk the walk huh.
ex-cop: no didn’t lock the locks.
Me: ‘I just want to do something spontaneous.’
Combustion: ‘We’ll see.’
Wife: for the last time buy a terrarium
Me: [drops 7 lizards into my shirt] why they already have a home