Boss: You’re late!
M: It’s 6.30am
B: You start at 6am!
M: I know but that’s just crazy. This is better for me.
And now we wait for HR.
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Listen, I’m not gonna lie, I think if someone wanted to murder me they could just leave a trail of cubed cheddar and I’d follow it to my demise
[dark alley]
DRUG DEALER: *hands me the stuff*
ME [extremely street smart]: does this come in a generic version?
Wile E Coyote: I can’t get rid of this headache
*TNT explodes*
*anvil drops on his head*
*bus flattens him*
Dr: it’s probably stress-related
Whoever coined, “No good deed goes unpunished,” must have fed some seagulls.
A fellow lawyer brought me a homemade poundcake today because she said I was a nice person. So sweet! I brought it home and now no one will eat it because, as my son said, “What if she is trying to murder you?”
COP: do you know why I pulled you over?
ME: *hands him a puppy and drives off*
[3 years later]
COP *walking his dog*: wait a second…
[Breakfast]
My Wife: What are you doing?
Me: *spreading toothpaste on toast* Multitasking.
Kid: “I want to be a doctor when I grow up.”
Mom: “You can’t. Your hands aren’t cold enough.”
having birthday sex is kinda like having sex to celebrate your parents having had sex
I always cry at those YouTube videos of babies getting hearing aids and hearing their mother’s criticism for the first time.
Just because I have breast implants doesn’t make me a slut. Being a slut makes me a slut.
I’m gonna create chaos in my neighborhood by putting giant bows on all the cars the night before Christmas.
I’ll take 2 tacos and one jail marriage…
I was raised Catholic. I know all the rules. And I broke most of them. 😈
Daughter: what’s nostalgia?
Wife: it’s when you miss something that’s really old.
[later]
Me: I’m home from work!
Wife: aw we missed you!
Daughter: [whispers] nostalgia.
So let me get this straight: Trump supporters are butt hurt because someone overgeneralized them and called them a mean name? Oh, the irony.
do the spectators at golf tournaments know they don’t have to be there
The next time kids ding door ditch you you have to run and chase after them and yell WHAT IF IM A CRAZY PERSON!!
That awkward moment when the poltergeist in the TV calls you by the wrong name.
therapist : are you ever worried that-
me: Yes
I asked my son to take the garbage out and he immediately tried to pick up his brother and boys are fun.
Anytime a young person makes me watch a Tik Tok I don’t like, I make them watch a full season of Frasier on DVD
Neighbor: What are you doing?
Me: Jesus Christ, Bob…what does it look like I’m doing?
Neighbor: …urinating on my mailbox
I dumbed there ONE time and now this.
last time I passed out on a Saturday night was when I sprayed too much bleach cleaner on the tub & forgot to open a window
I would like a refund on this lottery ticket. All of the numbers were wrong.
Elderly Woman: Excuse me, young man…could you help m-
Me: I have a grandma.
My 5yo has come up with bedtime topics such as how elephants give birth, how the sun produces heat, and natural disasters.
Y’all ever flex on vampires by just walking into people’s homes uninvited
Me: it’s about the journey not the destination
Patient: [bleeding out] I want a different ambulance driver