My moods don’t just swing – they bounce, pivot, recoil, rebound, oscillate, fluctuate and occasionally pirouette.
Boss: you’re late
Carol: he was in his car taking selfies again
Me: goddammit Carol, I will cut you
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Facebook is down, so don’t say prayer doesn’t work.
Wife still out of town. I’m afraid if I order Dominos again they will call child services.
*Looking at new prescription from Doctor*
Me: Take on an empty stomach? Guess I’m never taking these pills.
At noon, we ride.*
*start the dishwasher and sort the laundry.
It’s so unsettling meeting a baby with a grown man’s name. No I don’t want to hold Keith but can he look over my investment portfolio for me
Wife: I’ll bet you $100 you can’t go a week without drinking.
Me: Piece of cake, babe.
[one week later]
Me: Just make that a liquor store gift card.
Me: *Walks into therapy with an iced coffee*
Therapist: You’re late again
Me: oH No HoW dOeS tHaT mAkE yOu FeEl, DeBoRaH
Her: I’m having a dry party.
Me: Sorry, I’m busy.
Her: You don’t even know when.
Me: You don’t even know me.
Sorry 2015, but I just got out of a year-long relationship with 2014 and I’m not looking for anything serious right now.