@DaddyJew

Boss: you’re late

Me: traffic

Carol: he was in his car taking selfies again

Me: goddammit Carol, I will cut you

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@_oculusmundi

My moods don’t just swing – they bounce, pivot, recoil, rebound, oscillate, fluctuate and occasionally pirouette.

@daddyville

Wife still out of town. I’m afraid if I order Dominos again they will call child services.

@AmericanGent69

*Looking at new prescription from Doctor*

Me: Take on an empty stomach? Guess I’m never taking these pills.

@ItsLaTourette

It’s so unsettling meeting a baby with a grown man’s name. No I don’t want to hold Keith but can he look over my investment portfolio for me

@ThugRaccoons

Wife: I’ll bet you $100 you can’t go a week without drinking.

Me: Piece of cake, babe.

[one week later]

Me: Just make that a liquor store gift card.

@RobbyActually

Me: *Walks into therapy with an iced coffee*

Therapist: You’re late again

Me: oH No HoW dOeS tHaT mAkE yOu FeEl, DeBoRaH

@junejuly12

Her: I’m having a dry party.

Me: Sorry, I’m busy.

Her: You don’t even know when.

Me: You don’t even know me.

@brunopieroni

Sorry 2015, but I just got out of a year-long relationship with 2014 and I’m not looking for anything serious right now.