Remember that Pi Day is just a made-up holiday invented by mathematicians to sell you more math.
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Son, no longer do rituals and conquests mark the passage into manhood. Thru the ages boys would face bears, tigers with a chiseled stone knife. As you are only five, we shall start slow.
*I fill his pockets with sunflower seeds and prod him towards the mass of park squirrels*
My special skill is making detailed shopping lists and leaving them at home when I go to the store.
Genie: I will grant you one wish
Me: I wish to be healthy and fit in both body and mind
Genie: I said a wish, not a miracle
No you cannot have candy until you finish your spoonful of Nutella is apparently something I say now
[deathbed]
ME: Dear?
WIFE: I’m here…don’t worry, all your affairs are in order
ME: You found out about my affairs?
WIFE: What?
ME: What?
My child had pancakes and syrup for breakfast so I guess I’ll be sticking to my furniture for the next week
Moms be like, “Your cousin’s neighbor’s husband’s aunt died. Just thought you should know.”
Apparently I walked 2700 steps yesterday.
Don’t you get like 2000 just for waking up?
It’s all fun & games till somebody has to explain to the optometrist what a golden shower is & why your eye is highly irritated.
My husband accidentally locked himself out of the house, and I didn’t hear him knocking until I finished eating the rest of his cheesecake. So weird.
genie: hello-
me: i wish for a goth figure skater to get into the olympics and do a routine to welcome to the black parade
Me: Don’t touch your face until you’ve put hand sanitiser on.
* Turns around to see kid licking himself like a cat.
I considered buying this but the scratches on the lid had me concerned.
oh shit i shouldn’t have quit my office job, that’s where i printed everything out
You can tell how much a woman hates her husband by how short she cuts her hair.
Me: and then I visited ancient Egypt
1-up Carl: well I’m going next year so it will be even more ancient then
Me: shit
I forget how hitchhiking works- do I murder them or do they murder me? I don’t want it to be awkward.
Aww. This is sooo cute. My 12 pet shrimps have taken their shells off and are drinking from a bowl of cocktail sauOH MY GOD WHO DID THIS!?
*wakes up before alarm goes off*
please be 5am please be 5am
*checks time*
2:34pm, februrary 25, 2054. NOOOOOOOOO
I hate it when strangers question me. I’m with my kid, & this lady goes, ‘He’s cute. Who does he look like?’ I’m like, ‘Your husband’
Man: You’re killing me
Comedian: [strangling man with cloth] this is great material
Ladies, if all he does is make you cry then maybe you’re dating an onion and not a man.
Sheepdog: Here are your 40 sheep.
Farmer: But I own only 36.
Sheepdog: I know. I rounded them up.
Fun prank: Wear a baby carrier with a parcel in it. Stand at mailbox and yell OH MY GOD WHAT HAVE I DONE!
I love that earthquakes unite strangers online like nothing else. 100,000 people posting “did anyone feel that” and 100,000 other people posting “yeah”
6-year-old: When I grow up, do I have to get a job?
Me: Only if you want food and shelter.
6: *carefully considers her options*
People who say the book is always better than the movie: have you ever actually read “Debbie Does Dallas?”
“Why?” – Socrates and four year-olds
Don’t try take your pants off while walking down stairs.
Lesson learned