Boss: You’re not fired but we’re taking away all your responsibilities.
Me: Cool, a promotion!
Boss: No–
Me: Sounds like a promotion to me.
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I msgd him and he hasn’t msgd back. He was obviously so excited I msgd that he fainted.
Want to get really stoned? Commit adultery in Iran.
ME: these fireworks are so quiet
WIFE: those are palm trees
*quietly adjusts thermostat*
my husband from a hotel room 2800 miles away: whatcha doing?
Quarantine log, Day 8:
Cat: I need you to run to the store for me.
Me: What for? You have plenty of food.
Cat: I got into the treats last night. I’m almost out.
Me:
Me: You can talk!
[Japan]
HEAD SCIENTIST: Hey, what did you guys do with all the nuclear waste?
*distant Godzilla noises*
My husband told my daughter he can’t flush his contacts down the toilet because it’s bad for the oceans and she thinks it’s because “humans don’t want sharks to see better.”
mad respect to the toddler that stuck their head under the gas station bathroom stall today to say hey
“do u have protection” i feel around for my nightstand. i open the drawer and pull a wrapper out. tearing it open with my teeth i send taco bell sauce everywhere. oh no. wrong drawer. that was my sauce drawer. “im gonna tell my friends bout ur sauce drawer.” the night is ruined
“Scalpel.”
“Hey… You’re not a surgeon!”
“If Affleck can be Batman…”
“Fair enough. Scalpel.”
Emotions so raw, Gordon Ramsay makes a clever joke about them.
“Get the Reese’s” I whisper to my kid as he trick-or-treats, knowing full well my wife just quietly told him to go for the Twix.
Mispronouncing French phrases can be a real social fox piss.
a cute boy moved in next door and his bedroom window is across from mine, I hope this doesn’t turn into a coming of age film.
[stands on other side of glass door & ruffles hair as everyone watches, then enters office]
Me: sorry I’m late, I hate this place & everyone here
Is Fergie totally done spelling stuff? Because “mischievous” sometimes stumps me and I’d appreciate a song about it.
My 9yo drew a picture of me throwing away their drawings which, ironically, is going to be the one picture I save.
A Library is a good place to get in a fight with ur girlfriend cuz its the only place u can get away with saying “Shhh” w/out being murdered
lower my casket into the ground and play “The Lion Sleeps Tonight” If you see someone not singing the Wimba Way part, kick them out.
My swear jar is having a very profitable week.
Me: *kisses toddler* goodnight
Toddler: goodnight
Me: *shuts bedroom door*
Toddler: *behind me* hi
Me: how did you…
Might send husband a nude so he’ll come upstairs. Then I’ll make him help with the laundry.
My neighbours are so judgemental about me working from home. Mostly because I use their home.
Me: I’m going to be a great doctor one day
My patient: [bleeding out] when
Mirror, mirror on the wall
Why so many fingerprints?
ME: I’m anti-murder
MURDERER: Wow, that’s narrow-minded
Christmas adverts: “Eat all the food! Drink all the drink! Spoil yourself! It’s Christmas!”
New year adverts: “Look at what you’ve done to yourself, you fat sack of shit”
drive thru: can I take your order?
me: no I want it
“Welcome to daycare. Here’s your eye infection.”