@mrtruthandsoul

Boss: You’re not fired but we’re taking away all your responsibilities.
Me: Cool, a promotion!
Boss: No–
Me: Sounds like a promotion to me.

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@kristinb5150

being in a club at my age feels more like i’m being set-up for an episode of “To Catch a Predator”

@thestlouisan

[1340]
Goddammit, the only meat we’ve had in months has spoiled

[2017]
Goddammit, there’s a seed in this watermelon

@randypaint

brain: bounce leg

me: why

brain: bounce

me: ok that’s fair

brain: now crack knockles

@HomeProbably

Therapist: and what do we say when your coworkers start to annoy you?

Me: if I see you outside I’m going to run you over.

Therapist: what? No.

@WheelTod

If you spotted a white guy with headphones throwing gang signs on the subway today, that was just me listening to the soundtrack of Frozen

@joe_binkley

“Opening a llama acting school called ‘Save the Drama for your Llama.”

“No, I mean where do you see yourself in 5 years with this job?”

@KentWGraham

When I awoke from the car accident in a full bodycast, my wife was right at my bedside to let me know that childbirth is still more painful.

@TheBoydP

Protip: If your spouse says “Thanks for the help” when you didn’t do anything don’t reply “You’re welcome”.

@ThisOneSayz

Kid: Would you rather be invisible or be able to fly?

Me: Be invisible.

Kid: To fight bad guys, right?

Me, imagining breaking into a cheese shop and eating all the cheese: Totally.