I sleep with a water gun near my bed, in case of cat burglar.
Boss: You’re not fired but we’re taking away all your responsibilities.
Me: Cool, a promotion!
Me: Sounds like a promotion to me.
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GUY: Your logic is flawed. According to experts-
ME: Excuse me, but I practiced this argument in my head & you’re saying the wrong things
E-Cigs. The great taste of water vapor, the cool look of blowing a flashlight.
Someone at work asked if I’d listened to any good books lately, and now I’ve got a body to dispose of. 🙁
[texting my friend]
me: sorry I missed your party yesterday
friend: it’s today actually
me: read this again tomorrow then
Mmmmm white people
Me: “Come on, what’s the worst that could happen?”
My Brain: “Let’s start an alphabetized list categorized by subject and severity, and when we run out of letters we’ll use numbers, and then hold on I should be writing this down”
THERAPIST: How did you feel when you first realized you had a Gloria Gaynor obsession?
ME: First I was afraid. I was petrified.
Welcome to your 40’s: that kid dressed up like a cop is a cop.
Marie Kondo opening an online shop that sells dumb crap you don’t need is my favorite heel turn of 2019.