@mrtruthandsoul

Boss: You’re not fired but we’re taking away all your responsibilities.
Me: Cool, a promotion!
Boss: No–
Me: Sounds like a promotion to me.

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@Jesssicle

I sleep with a water gun near my bed, in case of cat burglar.

@OtherDanOBrien

GUY: Your logic is flawed. According to experts-
ME: Excuse me, but I practiced this argument in my head & you’re saying the wrong things

@DanaJGould

E-Cigs. The great taste of water vapor, the cool look of blowing a flashlight.

@Schmoodles

Someone at work asked if I’d listened to any good books lately, and now I’ve got a body to dispose of. 🙁

@TweetPotato314

[texting my friend]

me: sorry I missed your party yesterday

friend: it’s today actually

me: read this again tomorrow then

@ixix82

Me: “Come on, what’s the worst that could happen?”
My Brain: “Let’s start an alphabetized list categorized by subject and severity, and when we run out of letters we’ll use numbers, and then hold on I should be writing this down”

@Jake_Vig

THERAPIST: How did you feel when you first realized you had a Gloria Gaynor obsession?

ME: First I was afraid. I was petrified.

@NotTodayEric

Welcome to your 40’s: that kid dressed up like a cop is a cop.

@PJVogt

Marie Kondo opening an online shop that sells dumb crap you don’t need is my favorite heel turn of 2019.