Men in suits look really weird standing on the grass. Go back to the concrete buddy
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An Italian engineer was kidnapped in Nigeria.
Demands were sent via email to his family, but they just got deleted as spam.
Are you turned on?
Switch I might be!
If you’re looking for a good time, I’m a blast when I’m alone.
[me narrating a documentary on urchins] “look at these boring moist porcupines”
A rabbit has a father who has a big hair care product empire and wonders if one day his child will become the Hair heir hare.
Sex is like pizza, there’s NO reason it should ever involve vegetables
You’re only as old as the sounds you make when you get out of the car
me: hmm…that’s a real head-scratcher…I don’t know there are significant pros and cons to each choice…maybe I should make a spreadsheet and do a cost analysis…
netflix, impatiently: dude, just pick something already
Capricorn is just regular corn wearing cute little short pants.
a gaggle of geese, a murder of crows, a genocide of seagulls, a holocaust of toucans
Took the road less travelled after buying the sat nav less expensive
Spent the day dressed as a bee, gently bumping myself against my neighbor’s sliding-glass door. Got the hose twice.
Ordered ribs so I’d have to put my phone down. Discovered new talent. Pinky scroll
my new favorite genre of photography is “cats who are auditioning for the role of the body in an Agatha Christie novel.”
Only cowards need to take bath salts to bite a stranger’s face
It’s raining.
I’m going to be late for work.
I can’t fit my hair in the car.
Never let kids google names of Pokémon characters unsupervised, Squirtle in particular
Why do we always hurt the ones who eat the tator tots I was saving in the freezer?
when i was younger i was interested in rapping, but then one day a buddy of mine and i were rhyming in my living room and my mom walked by and said “i gotta run, have fun with your little poems!” and that was the end of it
Me: *screaming along to death-metal*
My child, who I forgot was in the car:
Don’t fight City Hall. It’s a building, you’re just gonna break your wrist.
I get it crossfitters, if I did that I’d be angry, too.
Husband seen complaining about a plate that hadn’t been cleaned properly which he’d personally cleaned.
GF: “I’m telling you now! Size does not matter, it doesn’t make you any less important.”
BF: “Yeah? Well explain that to Pluto.”
Coffee: Because when you’re groggy and barely coherent, the first thing you should do is handle a scalding hot cup of liquid.
[ the manger ]
me: so what’s his name
mary: jesus christ
me: hey watch your language around the baby
If we date, pls know I will bird call to you from another aisle in the grocery store
Big day! I’ve decided to forgive the woman who told me I looked tired at a party three years ago.
After handing a girl my mixtape I asked her if she was ready for TOTAL AURAL SATISFACTION not realizing what it had sounded like.
I have nothing in common with people that say, “I wouldn’t wish this on my worst enemy.”