Boss: You’ve been chosen to take a random drug test.
Me: Very cool. So which one am I testing?

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[dollar tree]
CASHIER: i’m sorry sir but we don’t actually sell trees that grow dollars
ME: get me the manager


Did you hear about that music composer who committed suicide? His body decomposed.


A bank safety deposit box may seem extreme, but you don’t understand how hard it is to hide a box of Girl Scout cookies from my family.


If it looks like a rat and smells like a rat, odds are it’s a vegan, black bean, veggie burger and my wife is cooking.


It’s convenient for my password security needs that my mother’s maiden name is Waffles4%


When you rob an Ikea store they probably make you put all the money in the bag yourself.


I didn’t spend years perfecting this blank, vacant expression so you could mistake me for someone who cares, lady…


Don’t trip
Don’t trip
Don’t trip
Don’t trip

Don’t trip again
Don’t trip again
Don’t trip again
Don’t trip again

– me running up the stairs


I have a male dead set on getting into my pants. It’s the cat and my knickers drawer, but still.