@HenpeckedHal

Boss: You’ve been chosen to take a random drug test.
Me: Very cool. So which one am I testing?

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@fro_vo

[dollar tree]
CASHIER: i’m sorry sir but we don’t actually sell trees that grow dollars
ME: get me the manager

@BitchyJasmine

Did you hear about that music composer who committed suicide? His body decomposed.

@Darlainky

A bank safety deposit box may seem extreme, but you don’t understand how hard it is to hide a box of Girl Scout cookies from my family.

@novicefather

If it looks like a rat and smells like a rat, odds are it’s a vegan, black bean, veggie burger and my wife is cooking.

@Bagyants

It’s convenient for my password security needs that my mother’s maiden name is Waffles4%

@jayonguitar

When you rob an Ikea store they probably make you put all the money in the bag yourself.

@chadzappa

I didn’t spend years perfecting this blank, vacant expression so you could mistake me for someone who cares, lady…

@iwearaonesie

Don’t trip
Don’t trip
Don’t trip
Don’t trip

Don’t trip again
Don’t trip again
Don’t trip again
Don’t trip again

– me running up the stairs

@NotOnTheMoors

I have a male dead set on getting into my pants. It’s the cat and my knickers drawer, but still.