(Watching the new James Bond Trailer)
Daughter 9: Wow. There is so much reckless driving happening here….
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WD-40 doesn’t stop my joints from creaking, in case anyone else was considering this.
Fun Prank
1.) Go to Yoga class
2.) Compliment some people on their mats
3.) Unroll 20×25 oriental rug.
When I was younger, I thought a taxidermist was a dermatologist that arrived in taxis.
My 2yo was running an ice cream parlor out of his bedroom. I ordered chocolate but he insisted I get strawberry. After I paid he snatched the ice cream back and then ate it, not once breaking eye contact.
He’s going to be a terrible business owner.
But an incredible mob boss.
[at ER]
ME: my stomach hurts.
DOC: have you been able to eat anything today?
ME: yeah, like 75 pieces of pizza.
There’s no crisis in life that frying a potato can’t solve
Me: You sound like a broken record.
12:
Me: *sigh* You sound like a corrupted digital audio file.
12: Oh. Gotcha. Thanks for translating from ancient Sumerian to English.
In my 20s: I’m gonna live forever!
In my 40s : uh oh
Me: What kind of Dr. treats men who won’t talk on the phone?
GF: What?
M: A Guy-no-call-ogist.
GF: I’m killing u in ur sleep tonight.
“I’ll go when the cat gets up”
the beatles really said “i am the walrus, i am the eggman” and the world was like “ok”
Tweeting and grocery shopping don’t mix. I’ve been down every aisle and just realized all I have in my cart is a cabbage and someone’s baby.
Friend: Dow dropped 45 points yesterday.
Me: I don’t follow basketball.
A werecoyote can only be killed with a silver anvil.
If Liam Neeson keeps starring in the same film pretty soon he’s going to be Taken 4: Granted
If I’m ever on COPS it would be titled “When Suspects Attempt To Pet The Police Dog.”
I am out of wine, so I ate a bag of grapes and threw myself down the stairs.
My neighbor is having a party for his daughter. I have been listening to Justin Bieber for 3 hours. Do not interact with me.
whenever a study shows excessive screen time causes brain damage i’m like yeah. me know.
not sure how I feel about the depiction of albert einstein in oppenheimer. he’s not even sticking out his tongue
GOD: I call those trees and plants
ANGEL: very beautiful
GOD: ya I’m gonna make some people allergic to them
ANGEL: dude who hurt you
Wife: [eyes glinting] Kids are at mums tonight, know what that means?
Me:
W:
M: Cool! You get the popcorn, I’ll break out the ‘Sopranos’ boxset!
Poop your pants one time and suddenly you’re banned from the MacDonalds ball pit
(Me, on my way in an Uber to a sexy party)
Uber Driver: Going to a party?
Me: Yes actually
Uber Driver: A family party?
Me: God I hope not
Parenthood is stepping in something wet in your socks.
Mugger: “Give me your wallet and watch.”
*hand over my wallet*
Me: “Okay, I’m watching.”
Do cannibals just upload a bunch of pictures of their friends on Instagram?
#damn
The neighbor’s wind chimes sound like they might disappear in a horrible accident.
“Do you expect me to talk?” He asks.
“No, Mr Bond.” I reply, loading Titanic into the Blu Ray player, “I expect you to cry.”