@1_swarthy_dude

Boss:”I’ll need those projections done Aesop!”

Me:”You mean ASAP?”

Boss:”No, I mean a parable that uses animals to convey a moral lesson.”

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@iamspacegirl

me: Baby shark doo doo doo doo doo doo baby shark doo doo doo doo doo baby shark! Mommy shark doo doo-

Other people on life raft: please stop

@OW_Divine

The average American eats 46 slices of Pizza per year
So I guess you could say that I’m above average.

@rorynotroy

the early bird gets the worm but so does the bird that gets outta bed around 1pm because there are plenty of worms out there believe me

@Stellacopter

Why do cops get mad when other cops have jurisdiction over a case? I’d be like cool I’m going home to eat.

@johnistoasted

[wonka factory in 2018]

Charlie: augustus is drowning

Oompa Loompa with a septum piercing: aren’t we all

@caithuls

The only thing I care about is credits where it says the dog is playing themself

@TheAndrewNadeau

BOWIE: We can be heroes.
ME: omg, yay.
BOWIE: Just for one day.
ME: I actua—I think it’s gonna take longer than that.
BOWIE: We can be heroes.
ME: No, I get that. It’s jus—it’s a length issue.
BOWIE: Forever and ever.
ME: I don’t…*rubbing temples* something between those, maybe?

@tiemoose

[undercover as a mom]

Me: my little Timmy is 6 years old now

Other moms: *narrow eyes*

Me: *sweating* i meant uh, 72 months

@the_anastasia

When one door closes another one opens. I should really get this cabinet fixed.

@lloydrang

Why, yes, I am dressed for the weather.

I am wearing a house.