Boss:”I’ll need those projections done Aesop!”
Me:”You mean ASAP?”
Boss:”No, I mean a parable that uses animals to convey a moral lesson.”
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The only thing that’s not possible is staying away from you…
-stalker’s
*me, struggling to please the members of our tea club*
“Please, everyone! Why can’t we all just get oolong?!
sorry… can’t now, i’m busy nursing a hand cramp from getting a slightly bigger phone
Recruiter (calling me at work): Are you able to talk?
Me: Since the age of two.
Mystery bruises are god’s little way of saying, “Perhaps you should drink less, whore.”
I’m so hungry I’d eat a vegan.
When it rains, are ducks like OMG my home is falling on me
Creamy peanut butter is the best because it’s the only thing holding this car together.
12 called me when he was out last week. i answered and he seriously goes “hi. this is seth. your son”. does he already think i have dementia? or worse..DO I AND I DON’T KNOW IT?
Facebook is no good for my mental health. *logs onto Twitter instead
Interesting how Lassie always happens to be at the scene when a kid “falls” down a well.
[stepping out of my apartment for the first time at 7 pm after being alone in there all day and not saying a word to anyone]
neighbor: hey there
me: greetums
ranch dressing should be somehow condensed and solidified into fry shapes and fries should be pureed into a dipping sauce for them. assassins from every government on the planet are converging on my apartment as I type
ME: I’m here for toilet pap–
COTSCO: WARM CROISSANTS
ME: But I…
COSTCO: 500 DISPOSABLE RAZORS
ME: I just nee–
COSTCO: BUCKET OF KIMCHI
ME: *spends $472*
A woman was charged with stalking after sending 65,000 text messages.
Which one of you was it?
When there’s a forklift accident they have to put the forklift down because once a forklift gets a taste of human blood…
I keep overhearing people complaining about eavesdroppers.
Maybe if we all tell the virus we need to talk, it’ll break up with us first.
Me: Ahhhh. Just breathe in that salt air. Isn’t this nice?
Wife and kids: *choking in a salt mine* This vacation sucks!
The most unbelievable thing in movies is when someone guesses the password of a computer that’s not theirs. I can’t even figure out my own password. That I changed yesterday.
No matter the situation you can always count on me to help*
*instantly make it worse
Me: I wish I was the most beautiful person in the world.
Genie: done
Me: *looking in mirror* But I still look the same…
Genie: Just wait until you see everybody else.
The thing about someone cropping you out of a photo is that this person thought it’d be more off putting to be seen with you than with a dismembered arm
Karen mislaid her phone and called a cafe we were at this morning to see if she’d maybe left it there.
Conversation on the other end of the line:
Person a: Have we had a phone handed in?
Person b: What, a mobile?No mate, a landline 🙄
Bought one of those SMTWTFS, but I can’t pronounce that so I just call it a pill box.
Explaining to the plumber that it’s a ziplock bag of my birthday cake I forgot I hid in the toilet tank, and also please don’t tell the kids about this spot.
I bet history classes would be easier if the guy who named the War of 1812 got to name all the other wars.
Millennials urban dictionary everything… I come from a time when the thesaurus roamed the earth.
my ball rolled under the couch. and i cannot reach it. the human has been informed of the issue. and reminded. that my problems. are their problems
I like men with glasses because once they come off everything is a little blurry and I’m very okay with that