boss:
me:
boss:
me: [slowly removing tiara i made out of binder clips]
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Me: I want a labrador but all the pet shops are too expensive
Her: Have you tried dog pounds?
Me: Yeah, but apparently it’s ‘not a real currency’
Me: I’m a mature adult
Also me:
*wife walks in*
*sees cheese balls everywhere*
*shakes head*“what? 8 won’t get better at catching food in his mouth if we don’t practice”
Oh, to be a rat with a pancake
Scientists please just tell us when the world is gonna end so I can stop working out
*first day as a pilot*
Me: sıɥʇ ʇɐ pɐq ɯɐ I ou ɥo
Drew blood trying to take a sexy lip bite pic and now I’m on vampire twitter. So, bye, I guess.
My girlfriend and I started dating after her car ran into mine.
We met by accident
Dating is easy. You just *goes into fetal position*
The problem with the Met Gala is you can’t stop picturing all the assistants having the worst month of their lives.
[knock on my front door]
Me: *pulls out finger gun and looks through peephole* Who’s there? What do you want?
Delivery Man: You ordered a pizza?
Me: *holsters finger gun* yeah, that’s right, sorry… *opens door*
Delivery Man: *shoots me with finger gun*
waiter: soooo do you have any room for dessert?
me (frantically moving chairs and tables out of the way): idk,,, how big is this f***en cake?
Her: You should drink in moderation
Me: Moderation?You makin words up?
H: You’re gonna piss on my lawn again aren’t you?
M: …In moderation
Doctor: How many alcoholic drinks do you consume per week?
Me: *writes number on piece of paper & slides it facedown across table*
HOW TO KEEP YOUR MOM OFF TWITTER
Boss: i’m taking off today. if nothing urgent happens you can leave 2 hours early.
me: thanks!
server, 10 mins before I could leave early: hey – hi. *cough. dies*
Nobody shoots annoying people into the sun anymore and that’s why there are so many of them left on earth
ME: Here’s your Mickey Mouse pancake
HER: This isn’t Mickey Mouse shaped
ME: I suppose you’d think banana pancakes should be banana shaped
Had a nightmare I’d gone blond and woke up with yellow hair. Turns out if you dye in your dreams…
don’t let me drive if ur gonna scream every time we almost die 🙄
DAREDEVIL: When I went blind, other senses sharpened to compensate for the loss.
*licks a doorknob*
nobody:
stick in the park:
6 y/o me: I will take it home
To the dude i just saw driving a beat up Ford mini van with spare tire and dream catcher on mirror: that dream catchers not working dude!
Someone want to tell my kids that the color of the bowl has NO EFFECT ON THE FLAVOR OF THE FOOD!!
My brother was the best at hide-and-go-seek. I miss you, Mikey. Wherever you are.
I think we figured out which one was Destiny’s child.
nurse: height
me: 6’4”
nurse: weight
me:
nurse:
me:
nurse:
me:
nurse:
me: wait for what
Husband to me:
If you can’t sleep, turn off your damn cell phone!Husband Awake in bed at 2am on his cell phone:
What?! I can’t sleep.
A sudden wind kicked up leaves and spun the rooftop weathervane, meaning somewhere in town two witches brought the same spinach dip to coven meeting AGAIN.
Airport prices are crazy. 5 billion dollars? For an airport?