Boss:my office, now!
Me:*to myself* dont be about Twitter dont be about Twitter
B:we’ve had a sexual harassment complaint
M:Oh thank God!
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If someone sees you accidentally bite into plastic fruit, commit. don’t show weakness. eat all of it
Telling my wife I’m taking her someplace fancy is my way of getting 4 hours to myself while she gets ready.
I stuck a “Baby On Board” sign on my minivan to warn the other drivers how fussy and tantrum-y I get when traffic’s bad or I miss my nap.
“I get knocked down, but I get up again
You’re never gonna keep me down”~Bowling pins
ME: hey buddy you should wear a mask
CLARK KENT: but the glasses have been working fine
Mistakes can only be made by people who do something.
Coworker: you play any sports
Me: yeah but I’ve had to take a break from it
CW: oh..Injury?
Me: *thinks about broken controller* yeah..kinda
Current mood: Potato
[first day as a surgeon]
Nurse: you can’t operate on a patient without gloves!
Me: of course. we don’t want his hands getting cold.
Pretty much. 🤣
[Red Lobster]
Waiter: we’re offering Endless Shrimp.
Me: bring me the endless shrimp
<5 days later>
Waiter: please leave, I have a family
At my age, you can spell Ibuprofen and Acetaminophen without googling it.
Occupational therapist: What is your favorite part of the newspaper?
Son: The end.
A guy just offered to buy me a drink. I declined, but heard him say lesbo to his pal. I replied “Only for you, baby”. Now he feels special.
If you can’t disappear into a well for six months and return with disheveled hair, a glowing tattoo with mysterious symbols, and a blind raven on your shoulder, with no explanation…were they really your friends in the first place?
No autocorrect, I don’t want to bang a bunch of hot chimps.
Me: You are NOT alone in this pandemic.
Wife: *on the toilet* I really wish I were.
Why are Airbnb reviews always like, “Our host Emily was truly spectacular and thought of everything” and never “house gives off very haunted vibes and I’m deeply afraid of what’s behind the locked doors”
Roy Batty: “I’ve seen things you people wouldn’t believe.”
*opens Twitter*
[ten minutes later]
“I take it back. You people would believe anything.”
I always run towards screaming. Sure, it could be a horrible murder in progress. BUT it could also be ice cream.
Your wife is beautiful, is she single?
Every time someone with a clown avi follows me I add another night light.
Frankly auto correct,I’m getting tired of your shirt.
Sing like no one’s listening
Dance like no one’s watching
Rub up against the bus stop like no one’s going to call the police
Damn gurl, are you coronavirus? ‘Cause I wanna spend the next three months flattenin’ them currrrrves.
For a petite woman my wife snores like a downshifting Mack truck.
dr: do you smoke?
me: only after sex
dr: so how often is that?
me: *turning to 12* when were you born?
Goth karate is easy because you already start off with a black belt.
Psychologist: Let’s play a word association game. I’ll say a word, you say what springs to mind
Rainbows
Me: I hope my ex dies in a fire.
Me: Nice flowers. Co-worker: They’re from my boyfriend. Now I’m going to spend all weekend w/my legs in the air. Me: Don’t you have a vase?