[boss’s office]
BOSS: Do you like my fire place?
ME: Actually, it’s one word: “fireplace”
BOSS: You’re fired
ME: Oh, I get it now
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Heard the local weatherman say, “high in the thirties” & now I know the title to my autobiography.
Shout out to feathers for keeping birds from being scary as hell
Four engineers get into a car. The car won’t start.
Mechanical engineer: It’s a broken starter.
Electrical engineer: Dead battery.
Chemical engineer : Impurities in the gasoline.
IT engineer: Hey guys, I have an idea. How about we all get out of the car and get back in.
Walked past our fish bowl and the water bounced like that cup in Jurassic Park. Now I feel both insulted and all powerful.
if you actually do the calculations, it turns out movies always give the wrong answers for equations because otherwise they owe a royalty to math
Then: I will never lie to my children
Now: Your teacher just called and said that if you let me lay on the couch all day then you get 100% in class.
Star Wars spoiler: Ross and Rachel end up together in the end.
i hate it when Darth Vader puts eggs in my mailbox and then rides away on a kids tricycle
*looks left*
*looks right*
*tosses tree branch over neighbor’s fence*
[my first day as a bartender]
Customer: I’d like a Jack and Coke
Me: Is Pepsi ok?
Customer: Sure
Me: One Pepsi and Coke coming right up
The recipe I’m making specifically says allow to cook undisturbed, and yet my whole family is standing in the kitchen
[First date]
Him: What’s your favorite dish?
Me: The one that holds the most food.
I’ve always wanted to rewrite history but couldn’t decide on the font..
I think airplanes would be way cooler if the wings flapped like a bird
FRIEND: Weighted blankets are great for anxiety
INTERNET: Weighted blankets are great for anxiety
DOCTORS: Weighted blankets are great for anxiety
ME: [trapped & unable to escape from a weighted blanket] Well, I do feel anxious
Trains are great for when you need the names of towns screamed at you intermittently over a loud speaker
This is joyous. Go to any YouTube video. Pause it. Click anywhere outside the video and then type 1980. Now defend yourself.
Sorry I photobombed your mammogram.
*Son storms in
‘DAD! Teacher told me that hibernation is NOT a country of stoner bears and that you’re to stop helping me with my homework’
My boyfriend can shower and get ready to go to dinner in 20 minutes. It takes me 20 minutes to get ready to shower.
In case you ever worry you spend to much money on dumb things you should know they’re still making Grey’s Anatomy
Your sex life as a parent basically becomes “Fifty Shades of Pray Those Kids Stay Asleep.”
There’s no real way to look tough trying to fight a swarm of bees off of you.
“This place needs to be sticky, wall to wall.”
-Every 2 year old with a Popsicle.
Started watching the latest James Bond film last night. He’s in Italy in the beginning. Didn’t see one Olive Garden.
I wonder if Van Halen realized they were writing music just to lift weights to.
[Sitting in your closet]
I’m completely over you.
Stop saying da Vinci invented the helicopter. He invented the sky corkscrew and it was ridiculous.
I’m so old, when I type “stan”, ac thinks I mean a man’s name and capitalizes it
Have kids they said, it’s life changing they said, you’ll love it they said…