Both her name and her living situation suggests that the dwarves MAY have been referring to Snow White when they sang, ‘high ho.’
You Might Also Like
Whom the gods would destroy, they first give the WORST leg cramp and you can’t even get up fast because the cat is on you.
Life hack: If you are sad. Don’t cry at home, wait until you go to work and cry in the bathroom. That way you’ll get pay as you cry. Cheat the system.
*brings cake to bed for an after sex treat*
Me: want a piece?
Her: wrong, whole.
Me, at food counter: Those bacon burger sliders look delicious, 3 please .
Her: Sir, those are calves and piglets & this is a petting zoo!
What flavor cupcake are these
4yo: Bam!
Me: Excuse me?!
7yo: He didn’t say dammit!
2yo: Dammit?
Me: 🤦♀️
I talk a lot of shit for someone who often searches for their phone when I’m watching something on it.
And ladies, keying cars is very 2010 lol all you need to do is ask to drive his car and you take it and speed pass every speed camera in your city. And just return his car back to him like nothing happened.
Dear Abby,
My pastor insists that being gay is wrong, yet he ends all his letters with the words “In Him”
Help!
Perplexed in Poughkeepsie
GOD: Someone please shut those animals up!
ANGEL: Okay, you’re the boss. [kicks some dirt over them]
[later]
GOD: Hey where’d all the dinosaurs go?
Sometimes I tell myself I should stop drinking so much, but I’m not about to listen to a drunk who’s talking to himself.
8 yo: “Mommy, what did you want to be when you grew up?”
Me: “Not this tired.”
Most people think that T Rexes can’t clap because they have short arms, but really it’s because they’re dead…
I just wished a Bride-to-be good luck on her first marriage.
She didn’t seem to appreciate my sincerity.
“You can hide but you can’t run,”
– Mama tortoise giving the lowdown to her kids
Me: At the start of this year, I never could’ve guessed I’d be in debt to a raccoon
Friend: Animal Crossing is pretty fun though
Me: What’s Animal Crossing?
Do you know what I’ve learned after 59 years of living on this planet?
Your culinary experience improves once you realize your smoke alarm isn’t a cooking timer.
You know what doesn’t charge $20.00+/month and prevent you from sharing a password?
A book.
Pro tip:
If you bring her flowers to apologize, don’t bring them in a vase.
She might still be pissed. No sense in arming her.
INTERVIEWER: describe yourself with one adjective
ME: [from left side of room] pendulous
INTERVIEWER: huh?
ME: [from right side of room] you heard me
The stages of giving my dog a new stuffy:
1) oh my god for me?!
2) this is the best day ever
3) this house is full of thieves trust no one
I threw out a jar of expired protein powder and some jacked up raccoons beat the shit out of me a week later.
the concept of sister cities was developed so that towns could borrow each other’s dresses
If you have joint pain..
You’re probably holding it by the wrong end.
Uglier.
Angel: But, sir…
I SAID UGLIER!
– God inventing cycling outfits.
Yes, Barbie gave us unrealistic body standards. But she also gave us unrealistic expectations about boyfriends being willing to wear matching neon outfits and rollerblade with you.
“Get over yourself.”
*Me teaching clones how to play leapfrog
Normalize talking to people in the gym who have earbuds in, they love that.
“Paypal me your lunch money!” -Cyber Bullies
Mom holding crying baby: He just needs to be changed.
Me: Yeah hopefully into a puppy or something quieter.