@breatheandlove

Both her name and her living situation suggests that the dwarves MAY have been referring to Snow White when they sang, ‘high ho.’

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@HousewifeOfHell

Sooo romantic. He said I’m a work of art.

Or a piece of work. Something like that.

@Marlebean

Sometimes I say “you’re welcommmme” to my husband for no reason in a super snobby voice just to watch him squirm.

@donni

When I die, I’m donating my body to Simons. I tell this to every Simon I meet. So far, they’re not into it

@ch000ch

*crumples a hamburger next to the phone* sorry, i’m having trouble hearing u over this delicious hamburger noise call u later ok

@nedostup

Every woman says she wants to be treated like a princess, until you try to marry her off to your most powerful ally.

@mereip

*maroon 5 band meeting*
‘Songs About Jane’ was a massive hit, let’s never make anything that sounds like it ever again. do u guys like disco

@hansabumsadaisy

My ex is going through hard times during the current lockdown,
so I’ve sent her some food parcels using “Fed Ex”.

#lockdownUKnow #foodparcel #RubbishJokes #Puns #DadJokes

@einaregilsson

MC HAMMER: U can’t touch this! … U can’t touch this!
MASSAGE THERAPIST: Please just let me do my job Mr. Hammer!
MC HAMMER: U can’t tou…