[both me and the child chasing me with a knife slow to a walk as we go by the pool]
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[first date]
Me: So what do you do?
Her: I’m a physiologist.
Me: Amazing! I love carbonated beverages. The fizzier the better!
I was the most patient parent and then I had kids.
Your first mistake was trusting me with leftover tiramisu in the fridge
I saw a guy that had a knife on his belt tonight and I thought, “now there’s a guy that’s really prepared to slice some cake”
I love when the Uber driver is overly prepared with water bottles, chargers, asks about temperature and music preferences, etc., then drives how a deer walks after being born
Moses: Yo, I think you typo’d this tablet, “Thou shall not Bill”?
God: Frig sakes.
Moses: Lol. Still want me to read it?
We’ve all talked about throwing a dirty dish away instead of washing it. But only some of us have done it.
no no i’m not stressed i just constantly grind my teeth and clench my jaw for fun.
COP: We have reports of u blasting music.
ME: Sorry I’ll keep the Metallica down
COP: We were told it was Britney Spears “Lucky.” On repeat.
Finally a chicken taxidermy curiosity for the rest of us!
Me: (squeezing into a gown) I’m so sick of the fashion industry. Who do you even make these clothes for? Children?
Disney Store clerk: Yes.
this is supposed to be an 18 year old
welcome to your forties now your eyebrows grow from your left shoulder
I’d wager that @RudyGiuliani will not spend a moment in an actual courtroom in front of a judge. He will go around media outlets like Fox or OAN saying he has the evidence but will never present anything in an actual court of law.
I like my men like I like my coffee shops.
Clean.
Smells nice.
Free wi-fi.
Doctor: it’s a beautiful baby girl!
Nurse: what’s her name?
Me: well we both love Kit Kats
Nurse: that’s so cute! Kit, or Kat?
Me: meet Wafer
Interviewer: Your resumé says your strength is confidence but your weakness is languages
Me: I think you’ll find it’s pronounced resume
It’s cute how Taco Bell gives you 2 little peppermints in the bag with your order, like thanks for your order, sorry about the diarrhea.
A moment of silence please. Not for anyone in particular, everyone just shut up.
I’m really sorry you figured out my tweet was directed squarely at you, person I’ve never interacted with or thought about before.
You never see a church with free wifi. I guess because no church wants to compete with an invisible power that actually works.
Breaking news:
me: *goes outside during the day* why is the moon is so spicy
I want a girl with a short skirt and a loooooooooooooooooooong COVID
My boyfriend’s boss is scared of getting the coronavirus so naturally she has decided that instead of finishing at 5:30 they will finish at 4:30, because as we all know the coronavirus only comes out after 5
If cops used t-shirt guns instead of handguns they wouldn’t even need to tell criminals to put their hands up.
there’s a fly on the ceiling that she can’t reach, so she is intimidating it…with a dissonant chord
Did you ever think about ten years ago you’d be saying.. “I really hope this is a chick I’m talking to”.
Why do birds,
suddenly appear,
every time,
you are near?
Just like me,
you seem to be,
made of seeds.
[stirring sparkling water with a hot dog] I wouldn’t say the lottery win changed me