*both typing*
5:02pm
you: babe i love you5:02pm
me: do you think shark pee is what makes the ocean salty
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[first day as a torturer]
Me: *throws stack of bills on the table* now call your doctors and the insurance company back and forth until you figure out what you need to pay.
Captive: *crying* I’m ready to talk.
When a store says “trusted since 1982” I just wonder what shady shit they were up to in 1981.
BlackBerry’s are great phones to have if you’re time traveling to 2005 and don’t want people to know you’re from the future.
“One of you will betray me” is such a dramatic thing to say at dinner????
Fair play to the crow who visits the roof outside my window first thing each morning, and whose cawing has the exact pitch and rhythm as the reversing alert on the recycling lorry, sending me into a blind panic that I’ve forgotten to put the bins out.
me: ok for that, i need you to roll a perception check
cop: that’s not how this works
I could never join the army because I’d never be able to figure out what time it is.
Her skin was like porcelain. Toiletface, they called her.
9-year-old: Why do we have to dress up for church?
Me: To show God we have our act together.
9: But he knows we’re lying.
Should I be suspicious if my wife sends me to pick up something she bought on Craig’s List just a week after we updated our life insurance?
wife: everyone at buffalo wild wings is staring at you
me: i’m sorry if i like using a fork and knife
wife: on your coke though?
All generalizations are stupid.
Our new washing machine sends a text when wet laundry is ready for the dryer. I guess what I’m saying is this appliance is a snitch.
boss: what is the problem
coworker: [pointing to me] that guy stole my thesaurus
me: he peddles falsehoods
screw you
“Neighbor”- person next door
“Neigh! Brrrr!!” – cold horse 🙁
Please do not return empty candy wrappers to the dish. It leads to false expectations and uncontrollable rage.
*Checks out grocery item*
Grocery item: “I have a boyfriend.”
My waterproof phone is advertised in commercials with people surfing and kayaking and here I am tweeting in the shower.
Movies lie. I’ve never woken up in the morning with perfectly coiffed hair and pristine makeup. I always look like Sideshow Bob after a hard night of drinking
Interviewer: “Are you good at making snap decisions?”
*20 minutes later*
Me: “No.”
wife: where are the beans?
me: i made phones with the cans.
wife: can i talk to you in the kitchen?
small voice echoing from the kitchen: you can now.
my gf left me cuz I’m insecure
nvm she’s back she went pee
How do you explain this gap in your resume?
“I was in jail.”
Okay. Sure you weren’t working for Trump’s campaign?
“Swear to God. Jail.”
im not pinning my selfies. forage for me like a little rat
Wife: Your problem is your incompetence
Me: I can hold my pee just fine
Cop: spread’em!
Me: *frantically starts buttering bread*
[phone]
Me: Oh wow I love your voice
Her: Thanks!
Me: And your accent is so cool, are you from the south?
Her: Good guess!
Me: Oh yeah I love it down there, the weather, the food!
Her: Me too! It’s the best!
Me: It really is
Her: Anyway what’s your emergency
Me: I’ve been stabbed
Does everyone’s inner monologue have a laugh track?