COP: I pulled you over because you were swerving.
ME: There was a box of thumbtacks in the road and I wanted to avoid a flat tire.
COP: OK, you’re under arrest for tacks evasion also.
[Bottomless shrimp night at Red Lobster]
Me: *backing out of the restaurant with no pants on* There’s been a horrible mistake…
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Asking me if I want a bag for the box of tampons I just bought is like asking me if they’re for here or to go.
Cop: Sir do you know why I pulled you over?
Me: You’re the third policeman to ask me that tonight. They should really train you guys better.
Me: Take this
My Uber passenger: *holds gun in blood soaked car* WTF JUS HAPPENED?
Me: You tell me “Mr Finger prints on a murder weapon”
I don’t care what my husband says, technically he is a brother-in-law to my mom’s dog.
Ever had a dream with someone in it who didn’t quite make sense? They were in your life, but not on a dream level? Like, I don’t know why I’m drowning in this car submerged in a lake, but I especially don’t know why I’m doing it with you, girl from my junior year sociology class.
I may be 26, but I have the body of a 16 year old. Her parents are very upset. As are the police.
brain: hey remember that lost episode where the couple gets paralyzed DO THOSE SPIDERS LIVE NEAR US
brain: NO, GOOGLE IT
HER: it’s pretty sad when people are incapable of moving beyond small talk
ME: do you like things?
I’m disappointed to see that a lot of women are using “period tracker apps” now, instead of the shared Google spreadsheet I set up.