Teenaged girls post pics of their bodies and they’re ‘sexy.’
I post pics of my bodies and I’m a ‘Serial Killer.’
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Him: I should of told you I loved you a long time ago.
Me: *starts crying* It’s should have.
Parents love telling you that you should date that person you haven’t seen or thought about for 10 years
A couple approaches on the beach. He calls her “Allison.” I write, “Marry me, Allison,” in the sand and hide. And now we wait.
At the state fair I realized none of my troubles matter when you dip them in batter
The human body is 90% water, so we’re basically just cucumbers with anxiety.
If I could have dinner with anyone alive or dead I would just have two dinners.
Want to throw somebody off? Look at their forehead mid-conversation. It makes the subconscious incredibly uncomfortable! Switch between looking at their eyes and their forehead — they’ll either end the conversation completely, or lose their train of thought.
So who WERE Huey, Dewey and Louie’s parents, anyway? And why did they let them spend so much time with their insane, pantsless uncle?
me: who’s ur favorite actor
date: meryl-
me: before you answer, did u know air bud and beethoven were played by the same dog
date: holy shit
I’ve started insulting people exclusively with bird names, if you don’t like it then cope you red breasted nuthatch
[walking somewhere]
My cat: I’M GOING TO GET THERE FIRST!!
Angry drunks make no sense to me, I can only get upset when I’m not drinking.
when the moon is out in the middle of the day it’s like oh no they called you in on your day off
I just saw some idiot at the gym put a water bottle in the pringles holder on the treadmill
if I were the world, I would simply stop being on the verge of apocalypse
COP: Your home was robbed
ME: Dang I had a self-designed alarm system
C: Didn’t work
M: Back to the drawing board
C: They stole that
M: Dang
My sunscreen says its SPF 100. I opened the tube and squeezed out a blanket.
Quite frankly amazed I’ve never been kidnapped. I just asked the produce manager if they had more cantaloupe and he said follow me and I said okie dokie and ended up in some back room lmao
Yes, curling is silly and basically janitorial work, but that guy’s gonna have a gold medal, and all you’ll have is your joke about curling.
1st day of hunting season:
*puts on camo*
*climbs up in tree stand*
*waits w/binoculars to see one hunter accidentally shoot another hunter*
[Spelling bee]
Judge: “Your word is unhelpful.”
Kid: “Can you use it in a sentence please?”
Judge: “Nope.”
me: Did you brush your teeth?
9: Yes
me *hands him a glass of orange juice*
9: Do I have to?
me: Yep. Told you not to touch my Cheetos
Cop: Tell me again why you pulled out scissors and gave her bangs.
Me: She was flirting with a hot dad that I had my eye on.
Me: “What’s your favorite shoe brand?”
Person: “Converse.”
Me: “We’re already talking.”
5 walked in on sexy time last night and yelled “Mommy’s in danger” so I’m just wondering if it’s better to explain it to her teacher or just wait for the call?
Be carefully which minty aromatic
plants you accidentally step on.Thyme wounds all heels.
I wish I had the exciting social life my mom must have envisioned when she used to stitch my name into my underwear.
Interviewer: and I see under special skills you wrote “undoing the toilet paper roll?”
My toddler in a trench coat: that’s right.
Got a little bit lost in the woods. I’m putting everything into the clothes hamper in case of tics.
Heck, I’m going into the hamper too.
Me: Boss our sales are really going updog.
Boss: You mean up?
Me: No, updog.
Boss: What’s updog?
Me: Not our sales. We’re bankrupt.