@VisionBored1

[Bottomless shrimp night at Red Lobster]

Me: *backing out of the restaurant with no pants on* There’s been a horrible mistake…

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@dave_cactus

COP: I pulled you over because you were swerving.
ME: There was a box of thumbtacks in the road and I wanted to avoid a flat tire.
COP: OK, you’re under arrest for tacks evasion also.

@backporchlady

Asking me if I want a bag for the box of tampons I just bought is like asking me if they’re for here or to go.

@TheAlexNevil

Cop: Sir do you know why I pulled you over?
Me: You’re the third policeman to ask me that tonight. They should really train you guys better.

@BoogTweets

Me: Take this

My Uber passenger: *holds gun in blood soaked car* WTF JUS HAPPENED?

Me: You tell me “Mr Finger prints on a murder weapon”

@ddsmidt

I don’t care what my husband says, technically he is a brother-in-law to my mom’s dog.

@ginadivittorio

Ever had a dream with someone in it who didn’t quite make sense? They were in your life, but not on a dream level? Like, I don’t know why I’m drowning in this car submerged in a lake, but I especially don’t know why I’m doing it with you, girl from my junior year sociology class.

@discountzen

I may be 26, but I have the body of a 16 year old. Her parents are very upset. As are the police.

@carlyken

[bedtime]
brain: hey remember that lost episode where the couple gets paralyzed DO THOSE SPIDERS LIVE NEAR US
me: SLEEP
brain: NO, GOOGLE IT

@KalvinMacleod

HER: it’s pretty sad when people are incapable of moving beyond small talk
ME: do you like things?

@markleggett

I’m disappointed to see that a lot of women are using “period tracker apps” now, instead of the shared Google spreadsheet I set up.