My printer: Sorry, can’t print this out – I’m very low on magenta ink
Me: But I’m literally printing black text – there’s no red in it
My printer: Feed me magenta or you get nothing
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My Dad hasn’t had to buy Irish Spring bar soap in years, when I was 9 he found a pallet on sale at Meijer for 19 cents a bar and one day I will inherit the reminder of the 900 bar purchase.
100% of murder victims who responded to the survey really freaked us out.
[phone w/ fiancé]
Hey, I can still pick whatever suit I like for the wedding right?
“As long as its black, why?”
*wearing batsuit* No reason
Dentist: I would like the fish sandwich, please.
Server: Tartar sauce?
Dentist: *eyes narrow*
Idea: Always carry around a chicken, so if you’re murdered your chalk outline won’t just be the same old boring shit.
Sorry. Can’t. I live in a small town. You know what that’s like. *vague gesture* Super busy avoiding all men from a Big City who might have recently inherited a tree farm & are liable to stay here after being charmed into rediscovering the true meaning of Christmas.
ME: what is an IV for
ROMAN: yes
[second date]
“April Fools”
*gets up and leaves
Sorry neighbor who’s choking to death, my cat’s resting his little head on my leg.
This, like, never happens.
They say, every transformation makes you a new person.
But they don’t tell us where & how to dispose off the body
Never tell someone that it would work out if “only they lived closer”. Crazy can change zip codes faster than you can change your identity.
Extremely relatable.
Me: Why can’t we feed the animals?
Wife: They’ll get lazy and dependent and never, ever go away.
Me: *looks warily at our kids*
My husband just said that he’s eating dinner and then he’s coming to bed for dessert and honestly I’m just wondering how he found out about the peanut m&m’s I stashed in my nightstand.
Barbie gave me unrealistic body standards like that my head would fall off.
This Amber Alert has gone off 4 times today.
I bet the people with hidden prison phones are shitting themselves right about now. 😬
periods should last only 15 mins. like thanks for letting me know im not pregnant, now you can leave the doors that way.
The worst part about re-watching Home Alone is you just know Kevin’s parents bought this house for like $250K.
I’m “by the time I find a gif, the conversation topic has changed” awkward in dm groups.
Me *laying on my couch, flipping through health magazines*, “bet these workouts are a piece of cake.”
*gives rubber ducky a swig of my wine*
Everybody in this tub getting tipsy.
A door was tried in court.
It was an open and shut case.
Just walked to the mailbox and the neighbor drove his riding mower into a ditch. I would’ve helped him out, but I wasn’t wearing pants.
*standing next to a wheelbarrow full of BBQ sauce*
Look, no one is arguing that the zoo fire isn’t a horrible tragedy.
Fact:
“Intercourse” sounds more like it’s about vehicular traffic than sex.
Me: Rumplestiltskin is such an unrealistic fairy tale. Like anyone would really want a firstborn kid. They’re the worst.
12yo: I can hear you.
Waking up in 2016: [immediately makes coffee]
Waking up in 2017: [immediately checks to see if WW3 has started]
ME: I can’t believe it’s not butter
FRIEND: This is a shoe
ME: Omg I can’t believe it
being a writer on Twitter:
If Home Depot doesn’t want me doing body rolls in the lumber aisle then they shouldn’t be playing Gloria Estefan.