Bought a bag of Sweetheart candies & cracked my tooth on one.When I spit it out & looked at it,itsaid “Next time call when you say you will”

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if you wear a bikini top instead of a bra you can go out with wet hair & people will think you just went swimming which is athletic not lazy


It wasn’t no corona till y’all started balancing brooms in the house, y’all let the devil in


Remove all the poles if you don’t want me stripping, Mr. Bus Driver.


I’m not worried about toilet paper, but if I go to the store and my coffee creamer is gone, we are going to have issues.


[first day at pet store]

me: you want this boxed?

her: you can’t box a goldfish

me: [lacing up gloves] watch me


If you’re using YOLO to justify doing something stupid, remember you only DIE once too.

Inspirational tweet.


i know a guy who loves saying “best thing since sliced bread” and i imagine hes always at a grocery store lookin at bread and just losing it


For people who say “nothing is impossible”, that’s crazy. I’ve been successfully doing nothing for several years now.


I hear you knocking at my door. You thinking I’m going to answer it is your second mistake.