@PetePsquared

Bought a bag of Sweetheart candies & cracked my tooth on one.When I spit it out & looked at it,itsaid “Next time call when you say you will”

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@heyevergreen

if you wear a bikini top instead of a bra you can go out with wet hair & people will think you just went swimming which is athletic not lazy

@EazeAli4

It wasn’t no corona till y’all started balancing brooms in the house, y’all let the devil in

@TeflonPawn

Remove all the poles if you don’t want me stripping, Mr. Bus Driver.

@Divergentmama

I’m not worried about toilet paper, but if I go to the store and my coffee creamer is gone, we are going to have issues.

@pilau

[first day at pet store]

me: you want this boxed?

her: you can’t box a goldfish

me: [lacing up gloves] watch me

@breatheandlove

If you’re using YOLO to justify doing something stupid, remember you only DIE once too.

Inspirational tweet.

@jonnysun

i know a guy who loves saying “best thing since sliced bread” and i imagine hes always at a grocery store lookin at bread and just losing it

@TheSharona06

For people who say “nothing is impossible”, that’s crazy. I’ve been successfully doing nothing for several years now.

@Smiilze

I hear you knocking at my door. You thinking I’m going to answer it is your second mistake.