@PetePsquared

Bought a bag of Sweetheart candies & cracked my tooth on one.When I spit it out & looked at it,itsaid “Next time call when you say you will”

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@cakickboxher

Friday the 13th is my favorite movie about killing anyone having more sex than me

@HenpeckedHal

I have a three year old, a one year old, and a dog, and when I discover that someone chewed up my magazine and peed on the rug the dog is never my primary suspect.

@TheBeerGuy73

The bank robbery would have ended much better for me if I hadn’t stopped on the way out at the ATM to deposit the money.

@JPLFR80

Someone stole my credit card. Thanks for all the miles, sucker

@LittleMissAngr1

I used the entire box of tissues to blow my nose at my therapist’s office to make a point about her switching to a subpar generic brand and instead of apologizing about the tissues all she could talk about is some idea that I’m passive aggressive.

@mynameisntdave

LOCAL BOTS ARE SICK AND TIRED OF PRETENDING TO BE HOT LOCAL SINGLES AND WANT YOU TO ACCEPT THEM AS THEY ARE; LINES OF CODE AND NOTHING MORE

@brandiwastaken

First person to discover soap: I must boil the fat from this animal with ashes and then rub it all over my body. Only then will I truly be clean.

Friend: Dude, is everything okay at home?

@longwall26

What if the first tire-swing was left there as a warning to other tires?

@EJGomez

one time this girl pulled me close & said “I’m the girl your mom warned you about” & I said “so you chose bulbasaur as your starter pokemon”