bought a box of 100 crickets from the pet store and released them back into the ocean were they belong
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8 yo, singing quietly to himself “dancing queen, young and sweet, only seven teeth”
Her: How would you describe that green sheep?
Me: I don’t know. Olive ewe?
Her: I knew you’d say it first! I love you too!
Entrapment 101
The best thing to do with Christmas lights that don’t work is put them back in the attic so they can frustrate you again next year.
Ugh, my stomach is killing me. I wonder if eating this chocolate cross left over from Easter will help?
Instead of saying, “Someone’s in here” when a person tries to open your bathroom stall door, try one of these fun alternatives:
1. “Leave the package at the door.”
2. “I TOLD YOU IT’S OVER!”
3. “Larry?”
I walked briskly to the nearest safe haven as I was being chased by the hood on my jacket.
“Let’s see what the internet says, shall we?”
-my kids, fact checking me
I would totally do this if I had any desire to grow ghost peppers.
a dishwasher safe would have to be a really big safe
When someone tells me that no parenting technique works for every child, I remind them of the 7 Cs: Connection, Compassion, Communication, Chocolate, sCreen time, and Covering your ear holes with Cotton balls.
If it’s unimportant, I’ll remember it.
Judging by the amount of times I accidently cut myself on sharp objects it’s probably just as well real lightsabers aren’t available yet.
My friend was bleeding, and the first aid book told me to apply pressure…
..So I told him if he didn’t stop bleeding right away, he’d die
everybody has a drawer in their home that contains both garbage and the most important documents a human can have
A coworker gave me an invitation to her wedding in case you were wondering why this paper airplane I’m making has lace on it.
The A string on my guit_r is flat
You strike me as one of those people who show up and debunk all the fun in the last 2 minutes of an otherwise scintillating UFO TV program.
#Caturday
I once tried playing tennis with a cymbal but it made a terrible racket
[before Toto]
Rain down in Africa: *sneezes*
Yes officer, the person who robbed me was a woman 25-30, at least 5’9, a brunette and definitely single. Can you arrange a line up please
I’m all for legalizing pot, but for fucks sake oral sex is still illegal in 18 states. Let’s prioritize, people!
Driving home with my kids & my son didn’t like the song I was listening to. He said, “Thank God we’re 10 seconds from home!” & then I took the long way home because that’s what good parents do.
First date
Her: So what do you do?
Him: I’m currently trying to eliminate all cancers
Her: Wow, impressive
Him: Then I’ll move on to Virgos
me: i love sleepovers
doctor: this isn’t a sleepover, you’re in the hospital
me: then why do I have this nightgown
doctor: that’s a hospital gown
me: truth or dare
doctor:
me:
doctor: dare
Me: I got really cranky with Alexa this morning because she wouldn’t respond to any of my queries.
Wife: What? Why?
Me: I was calling her Siri.
Wife:
Me:
Wife: I’m naming our next kid.
It’s not you, it’s me.
-Twins looking through old photographs.
“Asparagus!!!” – italian guy named Gus pleading for his life
I had children for two reasons; I wanted to start a loving family, and I needed a quick excuse to leave things.
i am in another room with the door open and she has food and water, and yet, my cat is out in the hallway meowing like she’s wandering through a post-apocalyptic wasteland and is the sole survivor