Bought a cat collar with a bell on it, and now I can’t sneak up on the cat to put it on her.
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[being dragged out of a Spice Girls concert] AND SPORTY ISN’T AN ACTUAL SPICE EITHER
I’m still thinking about some great eye contact I got last week. You know when your eyes lock and you both stop talking and just gaze?
Ugh.
Then he kept looking from my left eye to my right eye, back and forth like he was trying to enter my soul through my retinas.
Good stuff.
My grandma just called to tell me that if “I’m really a lesbian it’s okay, because that girl from Juno is and she is very rich.”
Pretty wild how people love surprises until that surprise is finding you hiding in their bushes
Hairstylist: So…whatcha thinkin?
Me: This…(shows pic of supermodel)
Hairstylist: Aww… bless your heart
grandma: you kids are always on your silly phones
me: *looking at her on the floor with a broken hip* listen do you want me to call 911 or not
Nobody:
Your Mom: You remember my friend Carol? Well her daughter’s coworker is having a baby.
*taps on a super old dude’s oxygen tank* you know that you can get this stuff for free right
me: any clue how my house burned down
detective: fireworks
me: *sadly* yeah I guess it does
I get the feeling some of you have been told by others of you not to talk to me. This means war.
If cauliflower can become pizza, you my friend, can do anything.
[driving]
Me: I don’t know where we are.
3-year-old: I do. We’re in the car.
In some societies it’s considered rude to put post-it notes on people’s heads in the doctor’s surgery with your guess what’s wrong with them
“Never put all your eggs in one basket,” I said to my best friend, boyfriend, business partner, and yoga instructor, Jack.
All I wanna do is
[gun shot noise]
[cash register noise]
[organ noise]
[saxophone noise]
[cow noise]
[cat noise]
Fix this broken synthesizer
[Enters baby room late at night]
*flicks switch*
[baby’s got a raccoon in a headlock]
“What the-”
DAD CLOSE THE DOOR THIS PUNK OWES ME MONEY
Advertisers have been tracking exactly how much soup and noodles I’ve eaten over the last 20 years and are still somehow convinced that I can afford a Lexus.
My landlord told me he needed to talk to me about how high my heating bill is. I was like, come on over, my door’s always open.
I just remembered the time I was dating a British man and I was annoyed at him about something so I deliberately made my tea in the microwave while staring him right in the eyes
Kung fu movie idea:
She’s 72 years old and has 24 cats. For decades, she’s been absorbing cat kung fu from watching them.
When the landlord tries to wrongfully evict everyone in her building, they must face the wrath of
KUNG FU CAT LADY
i was just about to start being a good person but then i got mildly inconvenienced
Piers Morgan has taken a very strong stance against guns, and who can blame him?
If you had a gun, you’d shoot him too.
Moaning “Oh God” on a Sunday morning is the closest I’ll get to church
Dog: WHAT IF I’M HERE ALONE FOREVER
Dog 911: WHAT WILL U EAT
Dog: probably eat the cat LOL
Dog 911: LOL
My kid is refusing to go to bed until 10, so to pass the time he’s going to lie down in bed and wait…until 10
If Bugs Bunny was as sarcastic in real life as he was in the cartoons I’d be like, “HOLY SHIT A TALKING RABBIT!”
Unless someone tries to take a kneecap out with a crowbar, I have no interest in watching the Olympics.
Me: *pulls a glass push door*
Wife:
Me: *Leans back and pulls until the hinges begin to buckle and the glass shatters*
Wife:
Me: *stepping through the glass frame* weird door
Wife: *nods* weird door
I ate so much bread yesterday, I checked Web MD to make sure that I couldn’t end up with a yeast infection.
Sometimes I think I have indigestion and gas but then I remember that Jesus lives inside us all.