@WilliamAder

Bought a cat collar with a bell on it, and now I can’t sneak up on the cat to put it on her.

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@kendragaylord

How many lost cats walk by the telephone pole with their missing flier on it? Just another reason to teach your cat to read.

@weinerdog4life

The first thing you’ll need if you’re planning on stealing an ostrich from the zoo is a car with a sunroof

@IntergalacticQ

Ever since I found out cats don’t meow to other cats, that’s just some shit they learned to manipulate humans and moews are supposed to mimic infant human cries I’m noticing a lot of fake shit about my cat

@tchrquotes

Parenting is basically telling your kids they need to eat more fruit then telling them to quit eating all the fruit.

@relatabledad

“hey is that a banana in your pock–”
*his pants open*
*a banana steps out*
*it walks towards you*
*it hugs you*
“u have freed me. thank u

@1slowery1

*Creates Animals*

God: They’re magnificent.

Angel: Some of ur best work.

Man: Which ones go on pizza?

@ChicksRule

[being held hostage]

Me: this is nice

Kidnapper: what

Me: I love to be held

@ItsAndyRyan

[Concert finishes]
Me: *taking a bow*
Violinist: Hey, give that back

@TheAlexNevil

Drumpf’s presidential campaign in reverse: an increasingly laughable story of an egomaniac running for an office he couldn’t possibly win