Bought a cat collar with a bell on it, and now I can’t sneak up on the cat to put it on her.

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How many lost cats walk by the telephone pole with their missing flier on it? Just another reason to teach your cat to read.


The first thing you’ll need if you’re planning on stealing an ostrich from the zoo is a car with a sunroof


Ever since I found out cats don’t meow to other cats, that’s just some shit they learned to manipulate humans and moews are supposed to mimic infant human cries I’m noticing a lot of fake shit about my cat


Parenting is basically telling your kids they need to eat more fruit then telling them to quit eating all the fruit.


“hey is that a banana in your pock–”
*his pants open*
*a banana steps out*
*it walks towards you*
*it hugs you*
“u have freed me. thank u


*Creates Animals*

God: They’re magnificent.

Angel: Some of ur best work.

Man: Which ones go on pizza?


[being held hostage]

Me: this is nice

Kidnapper: what

Me: I love to be held


[Concert finishes]
Me: *taking a bow*
Violinist: Hey, give that back


Drumpf’s presidential campaign in reverse: an increasingly laughable story of an egomaniac running for an office he couldn’t possibly win