Bought a gas station breakfast burrito and the cashier said “ good luck”
~ now I’m scared
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KIM JONG UN: I am the angriest craziest most unstable leader in the world and I have the worst haircut
DONALD TRUMP: hold my beer
God: go forth and multiply
Me: I was told there would be no math.
*pops stick of Juicy Fruit in mouth*
“Mmm, this is delic…shit, the flavor’s gone.”
Hmmmmmmm….
Mr. Miyagi: It’s simple Daniel san, wax on, wax off
Daniel: Yeah, but your back hair, bro?
When you’re firing off drunk texts & you see the 3 dots
For parents of small children, weekends are about as relaxing as showering with cats.
“uh… dare.”
-Pinocchio
hear me out: jurassic park sequel, but from the point of view of the dinosaurs ALSO: kenny loggins soundtrack
How long can a guy stare at you at the urinal before things get creepy…because it’s been two minutes and this dude refuses to make eye contact with me.
One thing I’ve learned about this world is that there are always going to be people who want to change you.
-babies
I love halloween time 🎃👻🐱:
– candy 🍬🍭🍫
– parties🍕🎉🍻
– costumes👯👺👽
– sacrifices to the dark lord 👉🐓👹
– scary movies🎬📽️💀😲
Shazam but for the name of the person who literally just introduced themself to me
me in my 20s with my 60 year old back pain
[takes a drag from a cigarette] Her middle name was Danger. Her first name was Danger. Her last name was Danger. Her parents were stupid.
imagine a frog. good. now imagine a frog wearing a party hat and playin a lil tambourine. even better
I can still fit into the locker I was shoved into in high school.
ok here’s the deal. Yes it was dumb of NASA to ask Sally Ride if she needed 100 tampons for a 7-day mission, but I would have said “Actually I need 250” because that’s free tampons from the government, babbbbyyy.
[When I offer my kid a new food]
Kid: I don’t like it!
Me: How will you know you don’t like it if you don’t try it?[When my kid is interested in the pint of ice cream I just bought myself]
Kid: What’s pistachio?
Me: YOU WOULDN’T LIKE IT
Emotional support bacon is a thing right? Because I’m on pound number 2
Ouija doin?
-talkin to my ancestors
I am officially old enough to have to put on glasses to find my pants
ME: *hugging my therapy dog* i love you so much
THERAPY DOG: same time next week and i’ll make a note to continue our boundaries discussion
i hate when teachers put “?” on graded work, bro idk what’s going on either
political ads are like “i”m the only one strong enough to stand for what’s right” then they send you an email “they’re kicking my ass, i’m desperate, i’m losing this thing, i need your $5”
All I’m saying is, maybe the designers of this statue could have worked a little harder to find an inspiring Rod Serling quote.
Walking up the lighthouse stairs can be a very towerful experience.
I’ll be tweeting telepathically today, so if you think of something funny, that’s me.
Uh oh I opened a package of cookies without washing my hands first and for my family’s safety will have to eat the whole thing