Bought a new exercise program

Instructions said to stop if I felt any discomfort

So I did

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Ladies: We barely pay attention when you are speaking directly AT us. What makes you think we will pick up on a subtweet?


Pressing elevator buttons with my safety hotdog


[First day as a detective]

Me *pouring a drink*: let’s play never have I ever

Murder suspect:

Me: never have I ever shot a guy


Me: never have I killed guy… even by accident? *nudges their drink closer*

Suspect: dude stop

Me: *mouthing* ???? ? ???


If you have a family member you that you never want to see again, loan them some money.


ME {waking from 250 years of cryogenic stasis}: Wh…where am I?

FUTURE-COP: You managed to survive into the distant future, where shitty jokes are punishable by death

ME: Sounds like a bunch of updog to me



Advantages and disadvantages of keeping bees in the pocket of my jeans:

– If someone steals my jeans and then puts their hand into the pocket, they will regret stealing my jeans

None that I can think of


why is everyone concerned about dying alone i don’t even want people to see me eating spaghetti


Hear me out:

Instead of The Bachelor giving out roses to the women, he gives them each a roll of toilet paper.

This is where we’re at, people.