Bought a new exercise program
Instructions said to stop if I felt any discomfort
So I did
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[Bar]
HOT WOMAN: You know…my bed is kinda cold when I’m in it on my ownME: Well maybe I could help you with that *leans in* just put a small heater by the side of your bed
[3 days later]
ME: [spits out coffee] DAMN IT
I asked Alexa how old Kenny Rogers was when he died. She told me he was 81, and then she said, “Would you also like to know the net worth of Kenny Rogers?” Why the hell would you ask me that, Alexa, am I in the will?
If Satan ever loses his hair, there’ll be hell toupee
I’m perfectly approachable as long as you’re carrying a plate of nachos.
Taco Bell: try this new thing
Me: what is it
TB: does it matter
Me: no I’ll take 3
Are these grass-fed oranges?
Based on my family’s hatred for vegetables and always throwing them in the garbage, I hope I’m never in a coma.
Buying a well is money well spent.
Next time you yawn in front of me i’m gonna chuck a peanut m&m down your throat.
My cat walks down the steps in front of me like he’s the beneficiary of my life insurance.
[killer in horror movie suddenly appears]
me: *sighing* ugh I JUST sat down
The FedEx guy said I look like a sexy pirate. I’m not sure if that’s considered sexual harassment or flirting.
Parenting during the month of May has gotten so overwhelming that I’m trying to think of a minimally-invasive surgery I could schedule to get a few days of downtime
Me: Bob, it’s pronounced CHANGING, not a-changin’.
Bob Dylan: ?
Me: Can someone teach Bob to say CHANGE?
*David Bowie stands up*
Me: Not you
I’m beginning to suspect that my boyfriend is not really a ninja & that he moved out nine month ago.
“Say ur a bad girl”
I’m a bad girl
“oooh yeah, and tell me what bad girls do…”
ooh i’m gonna sign up for 3 months of yoga and only go twice
Whatever, Usain Bolt. I’ve been finishing in under 10 seconds for years.
[portrait studio]
ARTIST: I charge $50 per limb, because limbs are difficult to draw
ME: How much to draw me from the side?
ARTIST: That’ll cost you an arm and a leg
What do you mean my cats can’t be dependents on my taxes?!
I feed them, clothe them, & care for them!
CPA: You clothe them?
Shut it hater.
911, what’s your emergency?
Me (whispering): I’m holding a bagel in my right hand
Are you left handed?
No but I couldn’t use my right thumbprint to unlock my iPhone so I used the emergency button
Okay but why are you whispering?
I don’t want the killer to know I have a bagel
Son: Dad, can we have the talk on how babies are made?
Me: Haha no way! I do not want to know!
DATING TIP: When your crush texts you, win them over by playing hard to get. Throw your phone in a river. Change your name. Move to Belgium.
Do kids eat more under quarantine?
Since we stocked the house with food, my son is taking to eating like he’s being personally challenged.
Yay it’s payday!
*pays bills
That was short lived.
“Schrödinger’s Second” is the time immediately after a child collides with an object where they are both hurt and not hurt until observed
This is the smartest joke I’ve ever written
Fired from my job as an autopsy technician for repeatedly asking “are you gonna eat that?” during the procedures.
*at dinner table*
Me: ‘Remember that time I lied to you about liking your potato salad?’
Her:
Me: ‘Anyway, I’m sorry.’
Cannibal Subway:
Eat Flesh.
People who talk to themselves are more intelligent then those who don’t, or at least that’s what I like to tell myself.
Ethan isn’t playing around this semester