Bought a pair of camo sweatpants but my kids can still see me when I wear them. This is bullshit
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i dont like how monkeys have taken ownership of the whole banana thing. i bet i like bananas almost as much as they do
Child: Can I have some help with my homework?
Me: Sure. Let’s see. [reading] If you have six apples and give one-[10 minutes later]
Me: FIVE. FFS THE ANSWER IS FIVE
Any wedding can be a fairy tale wedding if you serve porridge and release three angry bears into the reception hall
How did we decide to go with cockpit?
[invention of surfing]
“Stand on this wood so sharks don’t eat you”
Energizer bunny arrested. Charged with battery. LOL just kidding it was double homicide.
“I’m disguising all my tweets as Marilyn Monroe quotes from now on.”
-Marilyn Monroe
Me: do you like piña coladas?
Date: yes
Me: *marking chart*
Human Robot
——————————
|Me: and getting caught in the rain?
Date: not really
Me: *eyes narrow*
This air is so toxic and unhealthy right now I think I want to date it
Her:[watching sunset]”Best date ever! Nothing can ruin this mo..”
*crunching sounds*
Me:[eating live Monarch butterflies out of a ziplock]
Ambien is not the answer, unless your neighbor questions why you were sleeping on their couch and where did their cheesecake go.
In ancient Egypt a man went around selling burial monuments that didn’t actually exist.
Fortunately people caught on to his pyramid scheme.
We belong together like chocolate and strawberries, like burgers and fries, like laundry and exercise equipment.
[my coffin lowering into the grave]
wait guys shouldn’t I be dead
[coffin starts lowering faster]
[stranded on a desert island]
*finds a message in a bottle*
hey honey, where do we keep the teabags?
Friday, Friday, all gonna die next Friday. Everybody’s gettin’ ready for the world’s end. Gotta make My mind up: Which souls should I take?
My boss: make sure you clear out your emails before going on vacation.
Me: *select all, delete*
The last thing I want to do is hurt you. But it’s still on the list.
Didn’t realize how much I drank over the holiday. The Urgent Care doc wants to put my liver in a walking cast.
Cop scrolling through photos on my phone: we’ve had complaints that you’re stalking…wait…these are all of me!
It’s not easy sitting around all day doing nothing. It’s hard to know whether or not you’re done.
Cats don’t understand movie/TV production, so they must just think some WILD shit happens outside of one window in our house.
‘Becoming A Mother Has Been The Most Thrilling Experience Of My Life,’ Reports Woman Fleeing Hospital With Stolen Baby
Me: [talking out loud while I write in my diary] today was ok, I just wish I could have eaten more breadsticks
Waiter: *sighs* sir would you like more breadsticks
Na Fa Fo Na Na Fo Fo -Sassy black girl giving me her digits.
To the person who got hold of my voodoo doll.
Stop feeding it!
#Fitness #Diet #RubbishJokes
#SaturdayMorning
After sex, I take the condom off and make a balloon animal for the lady.
HIM: somebody should probably do the dishes
ME: *drinking wine out of a bowling trophy* agree to disagree
Black Friday: Because Only in America, People trample others for Sales the day after being thankful for what they already have
Know your customer. Think like an idiot.