Bought a shirt in the UK. Care instructions say “iron whilst damp.”
I still have no idea when to iron that thing.
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Spelling words to your spouse to hide things from your kids is great until you get to M&Ms.
Coffee: Because when you’re groggy and barely coherent, the first thing you should do is handle a scalding hot cup of liquid.
You had me at “Bathes regularly”.
Ways cats are like toddlers:
– They love unrolling toilet paper
– They eat from cat bowls
– They suck at doing my taxes
– Somehow they always find their way on top of the fridge
I’d hang this in my house.
some things should go without saying
I don’t have kids, so at night, my dogs lovingly place shards of bones instead of Lego’s on my path to the restroom…
Religious rituals and prayers sound really creepy when you replace “Jesus” with “Jeff”
If I ever marry someone who shares my intense love of puns, she’ll be my pun-kin.
[bar]
me: oh god this is gonna sound weird but would you mind pretending to be my girlfriend when my friends turn up so they don’t think I’m a pathetic loser
wife: no
No benevolent god would make bears look like that and then tell us we can’t give them belly rubs
Just want to apologize to all the unlucky women that have had to deal with my ex because I dumped him.
me: *clutching arm* the bark is worse than the bite
gf: how did you get bitten by a tree
Friend: I want a baby.
Me: Remember when your neighbor was practicing the clarinet at 1AM? It’s like that, but you can’t call the cops.
I’ve learned two important things in life, I can’t remember the first one, but the second one is to write everything down……
I’ve wasted so much of my life on terrible boyfriends but I’ll never regret the time I’ve spent training my fruit bat Bing to remove all the raisins from my trail mix.
Either you die or it’s a good trampoline. There’s no in-between.
everybody gangster til u put a spider in their plastic easter egg
[restaurant]
date: this chicken is a little dry
me: I think my burger‘s undercooked
waiter: how is everything
me: it’s great
date: so good
I’ll bet you I can make this chicken fly
“You’re on”
*puts sunglasses and Weezer t-shirt on chicken*
*squirts Axe body spray*
Pay up
Dr: Have you been exercising?
Me: I’ll take blatant lies for $200, Alex
I once broke up with a guy because he ate half my french fries, and when I get really lonely, I still think about those french fries.
My signature move is asking a co-worker wearing a suit on dress down Fridays, “how did the job interview go?” in front of everyone.
[date]
Me: ‘Don’t let her know ur a boxing ring announcer…’
Her: “Shall we order dessert?”
Me: “LET’S GET READY TO EAT APPLE CRUUUUMBLE!”
My neighbor across the street does yoga in her yard, I watch her through my guest room window, but I don’t use my binoculars because that would be creepy.
I’m not trying to seduce you, I’m just very bad at eating
*horror movie
“The calls are coming from inside the house!”
“Can you find out from where? I want some chips but I’m too lazy to get up.”
If anyone else mentions how tiny I am today I will bite their ankles
Left water in the car in case I was thirsty & now I can boil pasta in my mouth.
Girl: Saying hot is disrespectful. You should say ‘beautiful’ instead.
Me: Ok.
Me: Can you please pass the beautiful sauce?