Bought a water at the airport and now one of my kids can’t go to college.

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I like taking my cats out for a drive to show them roadkill so they know what will happen if they ever leave me.


[First date]
Him: So where do you hike?
Me: I don’t hike.
Him: Your profile said you love hiking.
Me: I’m a fiction writer.


I just realized that when I murder someone my neighbors will never describe me as “quiet”


Treat your relationships as you would your teeth, daily attention and they could last a lifetime, too bad the same can’t be said for hair.


a tropical storm BEARING MY MOTHER’S NAME is heading for the beach where my dad is supposed to get married this weekend


80% of being Donald Trump is just worrying that the wind will blow your weird combover in the wrong direction.


I bet Hannibal Lecter was pretty disappointed when he found out a five finger discount had nothing to do with purchasing fingers.


Kate Middleton is 36 and just had her third royal baby.

I’m 36 and just had an almond I found in my sports bra.

Guess we’re both living the dream.


“Why don’t you love me anymore?” I sob as I gather my belongings. “Is it because of the kleptomania?” I cry as I put your cat in my purse.


I think I accidentally became a nun:

✅ not banging
✅ may have inadvertently taken a vow of poverty
✅ loves long dresses
✅ has a lot of habits