My gynecologist follows me on Instagram, I really do not know what else he wants to see.
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ME: how can i prepare for my date
FRIEND: get her some flowers. roses, orchids
ME: definitely roses, we’re not ready for kids yet
This lady here in Walmart has completely given up on her kids for Lent apparently.
Kid in grocery store walks past me and points “Mommy look, that’s a BIG Mommy!”
It’s called TALL, you little shit.
Prince Charming: check out the babe
Doc: oh that’s Snow White, she’s dead
Prince Charming: I should kiss her
Doc: do you really think that might bring her back to life?
Prince Charming: bring her what now?
You can’t die, man! Not right now. Not on my watch! *lifts dead body and pulls watch put from under it*
My 6 y/o told me the medicine cabinet was our most important cabinet. Outwardly I agreed but inwardly: “no son, the liquor cabinet is”.
I have many hidden talents. Just wish I could find ’em.
Life starts with everyone cheering when you poop and goes drastically down hill from there.
I think the key to happiness is having plenty of money and then telling all the poor people that money can’t buy happiness
Clark Kent: How’s your lunch?
Bruce Wayne: This soup is great.
CK: don’t
BW: You could even say
CK: please don’t
BW: It’s Souper, man
If you’re trying to woo me without food… let me stop you right there.
it’s cool I can come out tonight my 11yo son gave me the go-ahead
[gf takes pregnancy test, starts crying]
“It’s negative”
Lemme see it
[reads] ‘Not prego. Just fat. And ugly’
Wow that’s really negative
Just by looking into someone’s eyes, you can tell if they have eyes
I just pulled two buckets that were stuck together apart by myself, so someone might want to let the guy that recruits Avengers know.
roses are red
violets are blue
I don’t think you’re ready
for this spaghetti
I wonder what song the Little Mermaid was singing when she viciously ripped a clam in half to make a bikini top?
[coworker starts talking to me at my cubicle]
Welp, nice chatting. This is my stop.
[puts in earbuds]
Doomsday prepper, smugly: When everyone else has died, my family will continue to suffer for upwards of 2-3 months
The little toadstool has spoken.
I keep getting questions about whether or not I’m actually running for president. The answer is yes. And on top of that, I’m holding a knife, so I’m running even faster than all the other candidates.
you know what’s a waste of time? when you call a medical office and their message starts with, “if this is a life threatening emergency, please hang up and call 911” … if you didn’t learn that by the age of 4 then who are we to interrupt natural selection?
Me: “The doctor said to gargle with salt water when you have a sore throat.”
Kid: “Do we even *have* salt water at home?”
Me: “Oh, boy.”
If I’m eating at a restaurant and see a movie star, I always take a pen and paper over and ask “Will you pay for my meal?”
“Enter passcode to use Touch ID” – then what is the point of you Touch ID that lives on my iPad? WHY ARE YOU SO SCARED?
Ad: ‘Did you know facebook dating is totally free?’
Me: oh, I think there’s a cost.
First day of school
Kid 1: I want my mumma *waaah waaah*Kid 2: I wanaa go home *waaaah waaah*
My kid: Teacher do you poop?
If your job is so “essential” that you can’t get off for a killer global pandemic, you deserve $15 an hour and a union.
Things I never thought I would say: “well if you unpacked your stuff you’d know where your elf ears were”.
Parenting is fun lol
Interviewer: “Your résumé says you have a bad memory.”
Me: “I said that?”