@MomOfTeen

Bought some expensive neck cream.
Directions say to apply it twice daily.
If I slather it on every hour, I’ll have the neck of a teen.

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@girlnarly

[first day as a buddhist] go ahead. name a person more patient than me. i’ll wait.

@fro_vo

BARTENDER: what can i get you
MOTH: gimme a bug light

@ThisLocalHater

If you really loved me I’d be a weird smell coming from your crawlspace right now

@RamblingMachine

Reflections on this mirror appear uglier than they really are because of the erroneous standards of beauty set by our judgemental society.

@MdUNH

I can’t take the time to exercise but I did some killer cardio pacing indecisively in front of the Ben & Jerry’s section of the supermarket.

@laurenmacdonald

If I give my dog a toy that doesn’t make an unbearably annoying noise she looks at me like I have no clue how to do anything right in life.

@SortaBad

Me: oh Finding Dory is on, what a fun mov-

Neil deGrasse Tyson: You’ll note the fish switch between fresh & salt water without repercussion

@Milariou

I go to a gym called Resolutions. It has exercise equipment for the first 2 weeks of each year, then becomes a bar for the remaining 50.

@MajorFlake

Give a man a fish and he will think, “What a creepy gift.” Teach a man to fish and he will think, “My god, I have never known such boredom”