Bought some expensive neck cream.
Directions say to apply it twice daily.
If I slather it on every hour, I’ll have the neck of a teen.
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My therapist said that I needed to find healthier ways of expressing my anger.
So I decided to jog home after setting fire to my ex’s car.
I put the hummingbird feeder by the other bird feeders so the hummingbirds are forced to learn some social skills.
Was shocked last week when my son said he’s getting married to a girl in his class.
Yesterday he won a running race agaisnt her and the wedding is probably off now
Being 6 is rough man!
To the guy who turned the entire first floor of his house into a giant ball pit – I will find you, and I will marry you
imagine getting fired from the sperm bank for drinking on the job and having to constantly clarify that
My first trip to a beach as a child, I spent the entire time running away from hordes of crabs chasing me with gigantic claws. Unrelated, I’m now a big fan of crab cakes.
We cut our bangs at dawn.
[God making raccoons]
GOD: I want a goth red panda
ANGEL: so like… a regular panda
GOD: no, make it small
ANGEL: okay
GOD: [taking bong rip] … and good at shoplifting
I just ate a kid’s meal at McDonald’s. His mom tried to stop me but I’m too fast
this isn’t threatening at all
I was raised by my father.
He was a competitive poker player.
i don’t know who needs to hear this but you can totally just buy an ink stamp that says CLASSIFIED and stamp it on whatever you want
ME: [slowly heating water containing frog]
WIFE: what are you doing!
ME: [adding bubble bath] Ribbit Downey Jr had a stressful day
Podcast? Back in my day you got a newspaper. To subscribe, you’d call them up. “25 cents a day for your filthy rag, full of lies and comics, please. Every day. Throw it at my house as hard as you can in the middle of the night. When I’m done not reading it, I’ll wrap fish in it.”
*about to rob bank
Me: you cool
Partner: as a cucumber
Neil deGrasse Tyson: actually cucumbers are room temperature
Me: why is he here again
Audi is coming out with a bigger SUV that seats twenty.
It’s the new Audi Torium.
ME: I have very bad gas
BRITISH LADY [holding her nose]: omg what
ME: sorry I have very bad petrol
I’m learning how to do weight training by lifting dogs. I picked up a few pointers yesterday
English is kinda weird but I’m so glad it isn’t a gendered language. It is none of my business what gender bread identifies as.
A new study reveals that tigers are totally harmless to humans, “They don’t even eat meat” said a very stripy scientist.
It’s 2024 and we have Batman shampoo but STILL no Conditioner Gordon.
My skin is so dry that I can’t tell if it’s kidding.
You know what rhymes with, “I’m Fine” ?
“More Wine”
90% of parenting, is saying different variations of “We don’t eat waffles with our feet”.
Social media has shown us why there are directions on shampoo.
hey teens the only thing jack reacher should be “reach”ing for is a better relationship with jesus christ our lord & savior !!!
*1941 movie pitch*
“So it’s about an elephant w/big ears and we call him stupid then torture his mother.”
Walt Disney, “I smell a winner.”
Interviewer: says here you have been roofing your entire life
Dog: that is correct
i’d like to die of natural causes like being stabbed to death by the grand canyon
You didn’t have to say “he’s a male nurse.” When you said ‘he’ my psychic ability of gender discernment kicked in.