bought some granny panties— turns out they’re not even made of little old ladies
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I used to think Ol’ Yeller was a book about my stepdad.
I can’t blame this generation too much for doing stupid stuff. My generation thought 7 Police Academy movies were a good idea
Hitchhikers have really ruined things for those of us who just want to stand at the side of the road and express our approval for automobiles and those who travel in them.
you ever try to cook with friends who swear up and down they don’t know how to cook from scratch? you kind of laugh it off at first (just follow the recipe how hard could it be) and then you realize they don’t know how to chop a tomato
Your odds are greater of being killed by a coconut rather than a shark and this is exactly why I don’t swim in coconut-infested waters.
I’m a mom of 2 boys. My hobbies include always wondering where that smell is coming from and if it’s safe to pick up that towel or sock on the floor.
Kidnappers: *repeatedly dropping me as I slip through their grip*
Me: *earnestly apologizing for how sweaty I get during social interactions*
Took my little niece to the zoo. So many questions. “What’s that? Why’s its neck so long? How long does it live?”
I think she got fed up answering in the end.
I don’t want to read my texts. My mom sent me 5 fast, long texts in a row just now & I glanced & the last text is just the dictionary definition of the word “hullabaloo.”
I might consider rejoining the Catholic church if the Pope knew karate. Otherwise forget it.
Judging by the hair on my black shirt , I’m surprised I have any cat left at all.
[speed dating]
Her: So, what do you do to unwind?
Mummy: I avoid that at all costs.
In France they call Mr. Bean Monsieur Legume
Give a toddler a crayon and he will eat that crayon. Teach him how to color and he will eat more crayons.
Mom
She gave me life
She gave me love
She gave me sarcasm
She gave me the ability to
cut brake lines so that it
looks like an accident.
I run a gambling ring where we throw humidifiers and dehumidifiers into a pit and let ’em fight that shit out.
Person with an intense headache: migraines are terrible
Unsuccessful wheat farmer: mine too
I carry tumbleweed so I can let it roll across the floor during awkward silences.
Before we get too excited about rising follower counts, it’s good to remember that people also stop to look at accidents.
*shampoos & conditions hair
*rinses hair
*blowdries hair
*straightens hair
*spits toothpaste into hair
In a car crash a dog would rescue you.
However a cat would pour liquor over your face and testify against you in court.
❤️🦆
Incorporate the word ‘verily’ into casual conversations so they don’t know what century you’re from
I’m not a religious person but I do call my water bottle Jesus because its contents magically turn to wine at any of my kids sporting events.
Bread, a tale of tears
I had a loaf in my grocery cart when something heavy fell on it. At home, as I am removing it from the car I closed the trunk on it. Once I got it out of the trunk it immediately broke through its bag and fell to the driveway.
Incredibly it tasted amazing
I’m not sure how many biscuits it takes to be happy, but so far it’s not twenty seven.
Hello I am Tightbeard McShoulderchest and my favourite workout is standing in everyone’s way in front of the gym equipment checking my phone
Put those painful memories somewhere the mind can’t see them.
Alcohol: *ears perk up*
Me: I need to pee
Everyone else in the Trojan horse: shh
My phone autocorrected my name to shark and now I hate my parents for not calling me shark