Bought some of that edible cookie dough.
Gotta say it’s just not as good without the hint of a salmonella threat.
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If you want to get someone out of your office, just pull two tampons out of your purse and start air drumming.
My lady husky is mad I won’t feed her early so she just maintained eye contact with me and started chewing the corner of the brand new dining table.
If you can make a woman laugh, you can make her do anything – Marilyn Monroe
If you believe that try showing her your race car bed – Me.
If I agreed with you, we’d both be wrong
Why did the thumbs-up become the universal symbol for approval? “hey let me show u my weirdest finger because i’m down with what ur saying”
I hate when people say, “Don’t worry about the things you can’t control.”
UMMMMM……HELLO!!
That’s exactly what I’m worried about!!
I told my daughter we might be getting a blizzard and she asked for one with Reese’s pieces
The real reason Batman only comes out at night is because he’d get disastrous tanlines wearing that mask during the day.
Simple
Today I opened the door to the supply room and four Japanese guys jumped out and yelled “supplies!”
Writer: a cartoon about 4 teenage turtles and a rat
Exec: not convinced
Writer: they’re mutants?
Exec: it needs to appeal to kids
Writer: they’re named after renaissance artists
Podiatrists don’t use metric.
They only deal with feet.
the problem with the classic robber getup is that it’s such a classic that you can’t really get away with it anymore. you walk into a bank dressed in the mask and stripes with a bag with a dollar sign on it, they already got you. things change i guess but it seems a shame
Somewhere in a parallel universe, I hope there’s a giant dog with a tiny woman in her purse.
Wonder who’s getting killed off this season on Sesame Street
This Thanksgiving, take a break from arguing with people online and do it in person.
“Is there a genius in the house?! It’s an emergency!”
*I start to get up from table*
*wife discretely stops me*
*I silently agree with wife*
You can totally spray tan your baby, it’s not illegal.
*puts on white shirt*
*accidentally spills coffee*
*takes off shirt*
*shoves shirt into coffee pot*
*puts on brown shirt*
Oh eggs, through yonder window break. For I am the olive oil, and Juliet is the vinegar. Salt to taste. Blend to desired thickness
– Romayo and Juliet
my kid thinks that if you go to the same drive thru twice in a day you have to wear a disguise so they don’t know it’s you
*after sex, in a British accent
“Please sir, may I have some more?”
*runs thru a couple holding hands like it’s the finish line of a marathon.
*goes to the park*
*spoon feeds red bull to the ducks*
Whenever I see a newspaper on a driveway, left out in the rain, I figure that house just forgot how to read.
LIFE HACK: give ur next child a normal name
ME: are u still mad that ur mother and i named u Life Hack
I have 11 pictures of myself from high school. My daughter has 11 pictures of herself from this morning.
Make your enemies super uncomfortable by showing up to the rumble with an elderly friend
[high school]
Teacher: do u have your homework?
Ryan Lochte: I was murdered last night
Them: you can’t handle this d…
Me: