Bought the cheapest possible Mercedes yesterday ’cause I needed to use the bathroom at the dealership.

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wife: That guy is texting and driving! That is so dangerous!
me [holding a donut in each hand and steering with my knee]: So dangerous


In the beginning, God made Heaven and Earth… The rest was made in China.


“I can’t wait to nail you later”

*whispers to the new picture I just bought*


“I don’t understand…we’re a grocery store. Do we really need an editor on staff?”

Yes. Yes, you do.


There should be a horror movie where an item associated with childhood innocence is unexpectedly evil


I read the other day that if you leave alcohol-based hand sanitizer in your car it can ignite in the hot sun and blow your car up and my takeaway was “don’t leave your phone in the car”


[first day as a soldier]
Army guy: we deploy at 04:00hrs
Me: where we going?
Army guy: to war, soldier
Me [setting alarm for 10am]: enjoy


I’m too lazy to try the Marie Kondo method. I’m pinning my hopes on a robbery.


Me: *Reenacts the steamy handprint scene from Titanic as I gaze at an eclair inside a glass case*
Clerk: You’re making people uncomfortable.