@YoungFunE

Bought the ‘Sounds of the Rainforest’ cd, not as relaxing as I hoped. The 1st half was birds chirping, rest was chainsaws and bulldozers

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@AristotlesNZ

Wife: Who let the boys out?
Me: Woof woof woof!
Her: Who let the boys out?!
Me: Woof woof woof!
Her: KIDS ARE IN THE STREET!
Me: I’m going..

@misfarber

I often confuse reptiles and amphibians. Actually, if I’m being brutally honest, they pretty much never know what I’m talking about

@withanewname

Me: *hyperventilating* 911? BEES! … EVERYWHERE! … SEND…HELP!

“Sir we don’t …”

Me: OMG! DON’T YOU HAVE A SWAT TEAM FOR THIS?

@squirrel74wkgn

[drive-thru at 2am]

Whaazzuupp!? Lemme gets 12 tacos, 6 burritos, and a Diet Coke. Booyah!

Neighbor’s mailbox: …

@AthenasOlive

I once listened to Heart at 3am smoking a cigarette with mascara running down my face.

Teacher: We usually choose a book for story time..

@AndrewNadeau0

ME: You know what they say, “Never go to bed hungry.”
HER: Angry.
ME: *Mouth full of nuggets* It’s prolly cuz you’re hungry.

@TheMichaelRock

HR wants me to give myself a self evaluation. This will be the first and last time they make this mistake.

@mrjohntofu

Who wants an omelet?

(3 minutes later)

Who wants scrambled?