Bought the ‘Sounds of the Rainforest’ cd, not as relaxing as I hoped. The 1st half was birds chirping, rest was chainsaws and bulldozers
You Might Also Like
I got mom shamed for giving my kid a chicken nugget like there are way worse things I do to my kids I promise you they won’t be telling their therapist about the chicken nuggets
My car was vandalized by a peacock. I wish I was making this up.
Reasons I put my kids to bed on time:
3) They need their rest.
2) Routine is important.
1) “Game of Thrones” is on.
doctor: any history of cataracts in the family?
patient: yes, on my mother’s side
doctor: interesting [takes notes] people normally get it in their eyes
I genuinely have no clue what other kids were doing during my childhood while I talked shit with the parents. my brother ran up to me one time and screamed “get your bike, we’re looking for frogs!”
are you insane? I’m trying to talk with Brent’s mom about her divorce.
If a car depreciates as soon as you drive it off the lot then shouldn’t the price go down when you return from a test drive?
[dark alley]
ME: someone told me that you knew how to fry rice
SHRIMP: [takes long drag from cigarette, murders me]
Fun fact: Malcolm X was not his birth name. He was originally Malcolm Twitter.
Kevin didn’t know how much longer he could fake laugh at Linda’s dumb jokes, but he did know he didn’t want to be glue.
My kid sure is great at picking up Easter eggs for someone who suffers arm paralysis whenever I ask him to clean up his toys.
me: as soon as I get home from work, I’m going to clean the entire house, get my workout in, and do some work on creative projects
my bed: [chuckles darkly]
The reason sex with a vampire doesn’t usually result in pregnancy isn’t because their sperm is dead, it’s because the vampire can’t come inside without an invitation.
Thank you for coming to my HaunTED Talk.
Your heart beats faster, your knees go weak, you start to sweat. Is this love? No you’re probably hypoglycemic
I already tried new things thanks.
why does half of Twitter think they’re going to lead a communist uprising when they’re too scared to order pizza on the phone
Me: “Did you hit your little sister?”
3-year-old: “No, the ball did.”
Me: “Did you throw the ball?”
3: “No, my bat did.”
Parents: lying is bad
Also parents: if the ticket guy asks, you’re still 11
I don’t like when they use “late” to describe a deceased person. It’s like give a guy a break on his attendance, he’s dead.
The government even made aliens boring
Wife: did you know hippos kill way more people every year than sharks?
Me: how? by sitting on them? lol.
Hippo: [in the booth next to ours at Denny’s] I’m gonna kill him.
I’m in good enough shape to be turned into a vampire now.
I bought my mother-in-law a pair of ankle weights for her workouts. She’s proven to be a much stronger swimmer than I’d imagined.
Yes I can speak a foreign language if you count when I talk about the 80s in front of my nephews.
I surveyed 100 women and asked them what shampoo they used when showering, 98 of them said, “How the hell did you get in here?”
I hate it when a man uses me for sex and conversations and raising children and growing old together
Harry Potter is realistic because it normally takes a kid 10 years to tell a story.
Is it considered rude to ask your boss if it hurt when the house fell on her in The Wizard of Oz?
The inventor of Chapstick died today. Unfortunately his body was lost while being transferred to the morgue.
FLIGHT ATTENDANT: sir calm down
ME (having panic attack): sorry I’ve never flown before
PILOT (over intercom): dont worry neither have I lol