Bought the ‘Sounds of the Rainforest’ cd, not as relaxing as I hoped. The 1st half was birds chirping, rest was chainsaws and bulldozers
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My 6-year-old the first two min of every morning on spring break:
A shark is a predator with little fish but is it still a predator with a mosasaurus because a mosasaurus can eat it? What about a prognathadon & a titanoboa? A hyena? Is Thanos a predator? Can Thanos eat sharks or
Teacher: what do you call an alligator in a vest
Nobody:
Me: An investigator
Told the guy at the polling station I was there for the Bon Jovi tickets. Without batting an eye he said, “Floor or mezzanine?”
Don’t be fooled by American Airlines, it is just one airline
I had a really good charcoal fire going and now there’s nothing grillable left in the house.
I’m at a track meet watching my sister compete in weight throw and shot put, and I’m wondering what is going to hurt tomorrow from sitting on the bleachers 😂
what’s wrong babe? you haven’t touched your shrekfast yet
The Lion King is my favorite movie about how having a karate wielding monkey can completely change your life.
Me: “I came to Twitter to be creative and express myself.”
Twitter: lol, you said “came”.
My wife is just 3 days younger than me…
So I’ve gotten into the habit of saying “when I was of your age…” and then describing what I did 3 days ago.
“You know what? I’ll just wait for the next Uber. Thanks.”
IT guy just called to say “ok, you’re cute” I told him that’s sweet but I don’t actually date at work, he paused for a long time and said the application you asked me about? It’s queued.
Always curious what makes people become sober. A guy told me turned sober after he woke up two hours away from his home in a strange home with two naked women. And I was like… I gotta drink more.
If somebody stops to ask me directions, I give them directions to my house. see you in twenty minutes new best friend.
Went to a humanist wedding a few weeks ago. One of the lovely things was the rings being passed round during the ceremony, allowing us all to make a wish for the couple as we held them. After, asked my son what he’d wished for. He replied, “I misunderstood & wished for a puppy.”
Each week our panel of 3 celebrity chefs compete to create the ultimate final meal for a death row inmate on LAST SUPPER, this fall on FOX
Despite standing in the same spot and yelling “Dad!” 427 times, my daughter is nowhere closer to finding where her dad is.
Why do people assume I know all about computers just because I’m from India? That makes so I angry I just want to 01010010101010101010101
Cryptocurrency, but it’s just dead people buying stuff.
Hey girl are you a capri sun? Because i want to stab you.
I had an irrational fear of bees until I saw My Girl and it became rational.
A police man came up to me with a sniffer dog and said, “This dog tells me you’re on drugs.”
“I’m on drugs? You’re the one talking to dogs”
[solar eclipse]
SUN: OMG everyone’s taking my picture today, they must love me! Do I look ok? Hope nobody photobombs me
MOON: Hold my beer
5: dad is sixty eighty?
me: wtf
5: is today tomorrow?
me: the hell?
5: Saturday Sunday Monday?
me: hey honey, 5 is broken.
I work as a receptionist in a vets. When somebody’s pet is being put to sleep we light a candle to let everyone know to be quiet and respectful. There was no dying pet today. I just had a hangover.
me, waking up from my nap and getting ready to exercise.
If you can’t beat them, try again when they’re sleeping.
Tree: Bark
Dog: {leaves}
employee: should I restock the vegetables
manager: why aren’t you using the time-saving code words from my training
employee: fine, should I *air quote fingers* reproduce
(me, as a caveman, inventing religion):
what if there’s a giant sky man who will be like super pissed if you don’t give me money