bouncer: can’t let you in. try the place 5 minutes down the road
guy: do you know who i am?! i’m usain bolt!
bouncer: oh, sorry. 2 minutes down the road
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I went to bed last night and my brother came out of the closet and scared the shit out of me, I forgot we were playing hide and seek…
I just watched a squirrel bury a nut in my front yard. I’m going to dig it up and replace it with a Cadbury egg.
That’ll blow his Lil mind
Saw this guy having engine troubles with his smart car. So I got out my son’s legos and built him a new one. I’m such a giver
Sometimes I’ll go to a grocery store and rotate all of the Tide detergents 90 degrees and yell “THE TIDES HAVE TURNED!” until I’m kicked out
Americans sure like Star Wars for something that immediately forces you to read
40-26-36.
My measurements?
Naw.
Just the three Chinese meal entrees I’m ordering.
If I could travel back in time to before the pandemic to give myself one bit of advice, it would be to steal more stationary from work. Much more.
Me: *facepalm*
CDC: Stop that.
There is nothing sexier than when she locks eyes with me as she finishes…
..Frying the bacon
After drinking that much, I just hope whatever I bring back home is some sort of human.
I never make New Year’s resolutions. I just carry the ones over from the previous year and add “This time I’m serious”
For those without heat in Texas, there are warming shelters throughout the state. See map at link below or call 211 for assistance. If you have a medical device that requires power, call 911. Texas twitter, please add additional resources to this thread.
Detective: Where were you on the night of…
Me: Kung Fu fighting. We all were. I saw you there.
For a kid, that moment when you accidentally called your teacher “mommy” was always really embarrassing. I just wish it hadn’t happened when I was a senior in college.
ME: Hi, I’ve got my hearing test today
LAWYER: I keep telling you it’s not a test
on a date with a guy who’s been fired from 3 different bowling alleys
Excel sheet: People hate me.
Fitted sheet: Join the club.
*stares into wormhole*
Whoa man, cool.
*gets slapped by worm*
Pervert!
*worm wiggles away*
Billion Dollar Idea:
Add glitter to air bags to lighten the mood after accidents.
Practice self-care like vampires: sleep all day, eat all night & outlive everyone who has ever loved you.
[asking a girl out on a date]
her: ok but only if you stop crying
Son, when I was your age…I moved from New Jersey to California and met this old man that taught me karate so I could defend myself against bullies and enter the All Valley Karate Tournament.
Son: That wasn’t you
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pencilguin
richcupine
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cantgaroo
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noneigator
stoprilla
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tellthetruthon
uncleeater
I think the most fucked up thing about the Catholic Church is that they force Bishops to only move in diagonals
TEACHER: if i have 5 apples and take away 2, what’s left
KID: your left or my left
Got kicked out of the supermarket for aggressively cuddling the peaches again
No thanks, $30 haunted house. I can watch the news and get scared any time for free.
I find it most unfair that the dentist in this neighborhood hands out toothbrushes for Halloween but the pharmacist doesn’t hand out drugs.
If you’re an adorable old person in a romcom, you’ve got a massive target on your back
Hugh Jackman implies the existence of a small ackman