bouncer: can’t let you in. try the place 5 minutes down the road

guy: do you know who i am?! i’m usain bolt!

bouncer: oh sorry, 2 minutes down the road

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Me: *Holding a fist full of lit sparklers* How much for the aggressive incense?


There’s a lot of strange facts in this world if you think about it. For example, some people like when there’s pulp in their orange juice.


If you think I’m sexy now wait till you see me eat a cheeseburger with no hands.


“I’m not like other girls,” she said dipping her lipstick into a bowl of ranch dressing and eating it whole


Splinter: Leo.
Mikey: I’m Michelangelo. That’s Leo.
Donny: I’m Donatello. That’s Leo.
Leo: I thought I was Raphael.

– Why they wear masks


There better be a martial arts tournament in Australia called Mortal Wombat


There’s a skinny girl inside me who is just DYING to get out.

She stole the last cupcake & then bragged about her metabolism, so I ate her.