@PoshTick

bouncer: can’t let you in. try the place 5 minutes down the road

guy: do you know who i am?! i’m usain bolt!

bouncer: oh sorry, 2 minutes down the road

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@MomOnFire

One day, when my kids are grown with their own homes, I’ll come over, grind food into all of their keyboards and lie about it.

@better_off_dad2

The clearest evidence that I’ve gone insane is the fact that I pay monthly for a land line.

@cbdoubleu

*raises the bar

16 yrs later]

Bar: even though you weren’t my real father I always wanted to call you, dad. Dad.

*me trying not to cry

@TextyRuxpin

How am I supposed to sleep now that I’ve realized 125 people have watched a video of me drunkenly making nachos?

…. And they didn’t even like it.

@PetrickSara

*stirs coffee with knife*

*licks knife*

“Let’s do this”

*wakes kids for school*

@T_N_Crumpets

Rival Gang Leader:
Me:
Rival Gang Leader’s mom: [nudges son] go on
Rival Gang Leader: sorry I tried to shoot you

@Abusitron

Sales clerk: That handbag is very pleasing to the eye.

Customer: Really? I don’t like it.

Giant Disembodied Eye: YOU REALLY SHOULD BUY IT

@sixfootcandy

It’s terrible when my husband “misplaces” his phone after forgetting to do the chores he promised to do. *giggle*

@Home_Halfway

DATE’S FATHER: What business do you have with my daughter
ME: Oh this isn’t a work thing, we’re gonna watch a movie and smooch all night

@DaddyJew

Don’t spill it
Don’t spill it
Don’t spill it
Don’t spill it
Don’t spill it
My kitchen now has a lake

– me trying to fill up my ice trays