BOUNCER: *checking ID* this doesn’t look like you
CATERPILLAR: *adjusts makeshift wings* its me
B: oh yeah? Fly then
C: uh *starts sweating*
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Walked into the kitchen and saw my wife laughing while putting a banana in the garbage disposal so I think I’ll sleep in the other room.
Jeff Bezos inches closer to becoming Pitbull
‘I’m really excited about the Pixar cowboy figure I got for my birthday.’
‘Woody?’
‘Not quite that excited.’
A perfectionist walked into a bar. Apparently it wasn’t set high enough.
[funeral]
Her: why is my dead grandfather wearing a diamond ring?
*sliding it off his finger*
Me: *gets down on one knee* because babe…
The coolest thing about dating Mystique from the X-men is the unlimited free food samples she can get for you at Costco.
Bruce Banner: You wouldn’t like me when I’m angry
Me: I don’t like you now
Her: I just saw my parents having sex on the couch.
Me: Please tell me that’s a drink…
Now I lay me down to sleep
I hope you like this and retweet
If I should die before I wake
I may have eaten too much cake
me: any clue how my house burned down
detective: fireworks
me: *sadly* yeah I guess it does
Hope there is a particularly fiery spot in hell for anyone capable of losing a dog in an enclosed dog park.
I just sung Mariah Carey’s “Hero” to myself because it seems no one else in this house can put a new roll of toilet paper on the thing.
[garden]
tomato plant: how’s your summer?
pepper plant: oh not bad, kinda small peppers this year
tomato plant: hang in there, i’m sur-
ZUCCHINI PLANT: I DOMINATE YOUR SKIES WITH MY FOLIAGE. MY MASSIVE FRUIT CONSUMES YOUR TERRITORY. MY YELLOW FLOWERS WILL BE AT YOUR FUNERAL.
ZzzQuil should come with a warning label saying “May cause you to wake up naked at a 7 Eleven while everyone is staring at you.”
Nothing says “I love you mom” like my 6yo asking me who gets my iPad when I die.
I’ll be throwing shade, after a quick search of Urban Dictionary.
Do you ever feel like you’re a white shirt and life is a leaky burrito?
*trying to explain to the dog why we aren’t keeping the 3 foot traffic cone he found* listen babe I know you’re colorblind so this is a little hard to understand, but it matches literally nothing in the house. you’re going to obliterate the vibe.
What percentage of the zombies are just chasing you down to tell you they’re vegan?
I had no intention of viewing your webinar until you used “and more” as a bullet point in your email and seduced me with the allure of intrigue and mystery
*putting wrinkle cream on my crow’s feet*
HOLD STILL, MR. VANDERBEAK!
Hates everyone who has a cooler birthstone than mine.
Dear Restaurant Managers:
If more than 3 employees ask me how I’m enjoying my meal, I begin to wonder if you know something I don’t know.
*Holds an old lady’s hand as I help her across the street*
don’t worry ma’am i’m sure the doctors can sew it back on
Prime ribs are just like regular ribs except they’re only divisible by themselves.
I will not buy ornamental gourds this year!
I WILL NOT BUY GOURDS!*buys all the gourds (and a hay bale)
I put my shirt on like everyone else. How I get my pants on, however, involves a spatula and 8 monkeys with Navy SEAL-like precision.
Megaman is such a hard game! I’ve beaten Ice Man & Fire man but this guy just shoots me before I can even move. How do I beat Zimmer Man?
Them: So what do you do?
Me: I don’t
We’re starting this social distancing thing as a family of six but given how everyone is getting along on day one, we might end up a family of four.