@Brampersandon_

BOUNCER: *checking ID* this doesn’t look like you
CATERPILLAR: *adjusts makeshift wings* its me
B: oh yeah? Fly then
C: uh *starts sweating*

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@GorillaNipples1

T-Rex: I got stabbed by this huge Triceratops!

Doctor: How big were its horns?

T-Rex: *struggling to widen his arms*

Doctor: Just a baby then. You’ll be fine.

@jonnysun

“ice, ice, baby. ice, ice, bab–no ice– no thats definitly a babey” – man who has a job sorting babys and ice at the ice & baby factorey

@Pundamentalism

WANTED: OOMPA LOOMPAS

Main duties:
– Machine Maintenance
– Chocolate Production
– Quality Control
– Singing when kids die

@longwall26

May you never be as bored as whoever figured out that holding a seashell to your ear sounds like the ocean

@iwearaonesie

me: I bet other husbands don’t get put in timeout!

wife: I bet they don’t put their mother-in-law’s phone number on a Craigslist ad either!

@Angibangie

[Me using a ouija board]

-Where are you communicating from?

T A S M A N I A

-Oh shit we called the wrong devils

@okimstillhungry

I just got catcalled by a construction worker. He said “hey hEY HEY THAT CEMENT ISNT DRY YET” I’m tired of being harassed like this.

@Smooheed

Sometimes I think my toddlers are smart

Other times they throw tantrums because they get their fingers stuck

In their other hand