T-Rex: I got stabbed by this huge Triceratops!
Doctor: How big were its horns?
T-Rex: *struggling to widen his arms*
Doctor: Just a baby then. You’ll be fine.
BOUNCER: *checking ID* this doesn’t look like you
CATERPILLAR: *adjusts makeshift wings* its me
B: oh yeah? Fly then
C: uh *starts sweating*
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“ice, ice, baby. ice, ice, bab–no ice– no thats definitly a babey” – man who has a job sorting babys and ice at the ice & baby factorey
WANTED: OOMPA LOOMPAS
– Machine Maintenance
– Chocolate Production
– Quality Control
– Singing when kids die
*Now with 50 percent less fat*
Me: ooooh *buys two*
May you never be as bored as whoever figured out that holding a seashell to your ear sounds like the ocean
me: I bet other husbands don’t get put in timeout!
wife: I bet they don’t put their mother-in-law’s phone number on a Craigslist ad either!
[Me using a ouija board]
-Where are you communicating from?
T A S M A N I A
-Oh shit we called the wrong devils
I just got catcalled by a construction worker. He said “hey hEY HEY THAT CEMENT ISNT DRY YET” I’m tired of being harassed like this.
Sometimes I think my toddlers are smart
Other times they throw tantrums because they get their fingers stuck
In their other hand
Clients after you give them your rates