Bouncer: ID please
Me: I got socks for Christmas
Bouncer: …okay
Me: and I’m genuinely happy about it
Bouncer: so sorry come on in
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It’s frankly disgusting that it’s illegal to be an accessory/accomplice. It should never be a crime to be supportive of a friend
Most googled search terms today
Before the eclipse: How to make my own cereal box viewer?
After: How to tell if my cornea is sunburned?
I stopped to tie my shoe at the airport and someone reported me as an unattended bag.
I introduced my 2yo to Cheerios and now I have to carry a little baggie around wherever we go in case he needs his next fix
I’m 30 and my knees won’t even let me leap down steps to catch a subway. So yes, I think the Die Hard franchise is unrealistic.
Inventor of the Number 1 Pencil: Surely you will be the most popular pencil!
Her: *hands me her baby*
Me: *drops it*
Her:
Me: So, is there like a five second rule or…?
Greeting card
[cover] Sorry to hear about your Alzheimer’s
[inside] Sorry to hear about your Alzheimer’s
Interviewer: what’s your biggest weakness?
Dwayne Johnson: *sweating nervously* certainly not paper that’s for sure
Friend: are you ready for our hike?
Me: *filling my camelback with french onion soup* just about
Wife: u can take Max to the park but ur not gonna wrestle other ppls dogs
Me in a spandex singlet: Im 16-0 Karen I have a title to uphold
police: im sorry to both of you. your son set the school on fire.
parents: arson?
police: yes, your son.
[I open my lunchbox to find flask of whisky]
But that means….
[Cut to my 4 y/o opening her lunchbox to find a flask of whisky]
I can’t be the only person who daydreams about licking people
Isn’t it ironic that all of Alanis Morissette’s friends knew her song had nothing to do with irony but, being Canadian, were too polite to tell her.
“Follow me!”
Me: Don’t tell me what to do, ERIC!!!
(Me at an exercise class)
NAZI: Some of us Nazis got hurt too
ME: Thoughts and bears
NAZI: Don’t you mean “thoughts and pra–
ME *releasing grizzly bear*: Nope
Good is the enemy of great.
Sponge is the enemy of math.
Metaphysics is the enemy of Walmart.
Superman’s first day at the daily planet.
Boss: Since you’re new, you might need supervision.
Clark: I have that, superhearing too.
For your final meal request to eat the electric chair and then the warden will be like well now what do we do he ate our electric chair
[at daycare]
Me: I’m here to pick up my son
Daycare: what’s he look like?
Me: *points to my face*
D: oh. Ok
Looking good, Kim! #LNSM
doctor: are you sexually active?
me: buddy, i’m not even regularly active
If Godzilla invades your town and starts stomping down buildings, the best course of action would probably be to lead him to the Lego store
Just found out my wife is pregnant.
Considering we haven’t had sex in two years, we’ve decided to name him Jesus
Yes ma’am, I understand you’re taking “pitchures” so I’m sorry for accidentally walking in front of you in this very public place.
therapist: whats the problem?
me: i keep having a reoccurring dream where there are five of me and we’re all yellow.
therapist: sounds like you’re bananas
(Buying sheet cake, donuts, brownies, ice cream, Guinness, and whiskey)
Cashier: Oooh what’s the special occasion?
Me: I read the news…
I gained three pounds last weekend and I’m fairly certain the switch to daylight saving time has something to do with it.