BOUNCER: I’m sorry miss, you are too drunk to come in.
ME: [lifting shirt] initiate Care Bear Stare!
BOUNCER: Oh, my mistake
ME: [smiling proudly]
BOUNCER: I’m sorry SIR, you are too drunk to come in.
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Renovated the kids bathroom and installed a bathroom ventilation fan with a Bluetooth speaker. Now I just need to find the perfect creepy audio of a ghost screeching “Get Out!” for when they take too long in the shower.
Him: I really like your car
Me: Thanks!
H: What is it?
Me: Uh……black?
I’ve just been asked if I’m OK as it looked like I was talking to myself in a pub. I said yes and was just working out a problem out loud about a cancelled train. I was actually talking to a spider.
WHAT DO WE WANT?
A REALLY FAST CAR TO DRIVE PAST!
WHEN DO WE WANT IT?
NNNEYOWWWWWwwwww…
succession but with mickey mouse and friends
This is me 🤣🤣
Why do sanitary towel adverts always feature a liquid which is blue?
Are aliens their primary customers?
Me: OK Fine. 𝑰’𝑳𝑳 cook the turkey this time for the Holiday.
[Family Dinner]
Me: Who wants burnt meat and who wants raw meat?
I pretend to the cashier lady to have two adorable children whenever I’m buying mom jeans.
For International Women’s Day, I’d like to recognize my sister wife. Without her I’d have to manage my kids’ timeouts and nag my husband all by myself. Thank you, Alexa.
my parents support me pursuing comedy but they also think the big bang theory is peak comedy so i might be doomed
I finally figured out why the neighbor’s house is always so clean:
My kids don’t live there.
I’m gonna nail horseshoes on my nikes and gallop behind joggers
A dog just came up to me to say hello and the owner dragged him off.
Jealousy will get you nowhere, pal.
imagine prince eric watching ariel get her voice back in the little mermaid and finding out she sounds exactly like donald duck
“What if we took the sound of a cow giving birth and turned it into music?”
– inventor of the bagpipe
If George W. Bush was the president of France today, he would declare war on Finland.
My 5 y/o woke me up to tell me she had a dream my office was invaded by gorillas and I saved everyone using just a hammer so apparently she thinks I’m a Mario Brother for a living.
I’m a real badass until I feel a stray hair and think it’s a spider.
being a parent of toddlers means looking up, discovering scribbles on the ceiling, shrugging, and continuing to drink your coffee.
Government: You owe us money. It’s called taxes.
Me: How much do I owe?
Gov’t: You have to figure that out.
Me: I just pay what I want?
Gov’t: Oh, no we know exactly how much you owe. But you have to guess that number too.
Me: What if I get it wrong?
Gov’t: You go to prison
[cool person follows me]
me: ok I gotta bring my A game now it’s only good tweets from here
me 5 mins later: horses r just big dogs ?
My therapist told me “time heals all wounds”,
So I stabbed him. Now we wait…
Wife wants some excitement in the bedroom so I’m going to put small rubber snakes in her underwear drawer
i’m in a comfy dress today, but i look like a potato in floral. call me nelly flortato.
Me: I think this diet is gonna work.
Cheese: No.
murderer: i forgot all my murder weapons
me: i’ll wait
Her: I’m leaving you and going to my mothers.
Me: Hold on and I’ll come with you. I like to have a good meal for a change…
I hope in the Top Gun sequel Goose’s ghost visits Maverick and they do pottery together.
it takes 700 grapes to make a bottle of wine and that’s why you’re fat